Scientists Reveal Universe Actually Shaped Like iPhone 7s
BERN, SWITZERLAND – Astrophysicists who have been working for…
Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett
WASHINGTON DC – In an impromptu visit to the…
Bryson DeChambeau Wins Tournament, Declared Duke Of Burgundy
BUCKINGHAM PALACE – After a rousing third round victory…
Americans Scramble To Fund New Alcohol-Friendly Health Study
UNITED STATES – Alarmed by a recent scientific study…
President Revokes Security Clearance Of Macaulay Culkin
THE PENTAGON – Lashing out at what he saw…
Study Finds 95% Of Cats Are Better Read Than Their Owners
DEPAW UNIVERSITY – Using advanced imaging techniques applied to…
Berkshire Hathaway Discovers It Owns Rhode Island During Routine Audit
OMAHA, NB – The American multinational conglomerate Berkshire Hathaway,…
New Bacheroulette Show To Select Husband At Random
HOLLYWOOD, CA – After 15 years of experimentation, the…
Bleary-Eyed Americans Confront Yet Another Pitiless News Day
UNITED STATES – Rising from their beds with nowhere…
Egyptologists Discover Ancient Danny DeVito Hieroglyphs In Pharaoh’s Tomb
CAIRO, EGYPT – State of the art imaging tools used…
Jesus Returns To Earth, Finally Avenges Himself On The Onion
THE EARTH – Vowing to mete out punishment to those…
Americans Working Harder Than Ever To Pretend They Don’t See UFOs
UNITED STATES – In a big change from what used…
Horrified Trump Fires Pompeo For “Freakishly Low Net Worth”
WASHINGTON DC – A disturbed President Trump was forced to fire his Secretary of State this week when aids confessed…
87% Of US Children Already Forgetting Trump Presidency
UNITED STATES – Although the subject of a recent poll is the current President of the United States, a random…
President Unable To Spell His Name On G7 Statement
QUEBEC CITY – Despite repeated coaching from the six other allied leaders on how to form the individual letters that…
White House Accidentally Nominates Black Judge, Apologizes For Clerical Error
WASHINGTON, DC – Given the fast pace at which the Trump administration has been filling positions on the federal bench,…
Attorney General Sessions Most Likely Responsible For Hurricane Florence
WASHINGTON DC – In what’s being generally viewed as…
Clairvoyant Lion Wishes He Could Forget Vision Of You ‘Floggin The Dolphin’
SAN DIEGO, CA – A twelve-year-old lion that possesses…
