Name “Reed O’Connor” hits 2,500 Year Low In Popularity Among New Irish Parents
EARTH – In the wake of a federal Texas…
NRA Clarifies Mission, Changes Name To National Russian Association
FAIRFAX, VA – In the wake of revelations concerning…
“Lawyers, Guns and Money” Playing Repeatedly In West Wing At High Volume
WASHINGTON DC – A 1970’s classic rock anthem from…
Sage Grouse Prepare To Defend Alaskan Territory
JUNEAU, ALASKA – As the Trump administration moved forward with…
Strategically Placed Pine Cone In Walnut Dish 20% Funnier This Holiday Season
WILSHIRE, VERMONT – A time-honored Christmas prank played repeatedly…
Report: There Is No Escape. There Is Only Death. Death, and Bugles.
LABRADOR, SCOTLAND – Researchers working around the clock to…
Trump Vows To Punish Autoworkers Until China Comes To Its Senses
WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump demonstrated his resolute…
House Republicans Look Forward To Leaving “All This Unpleasantness” Behind
WASHINGTON DC – In a gesture of goodwill toward…
Giant Caravan Of Meatpackers, Housekeepers, And Farmworkers Threatens US
MEXICO – In a bid to secure thousands of…
Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – Scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion…
Bleary-Eyed Americans Confront Yet Another Pitiless News Day
UNITED STATES – Rising from their beds with nowhere…
Jesus Returns To Earth, Finally Avenges Himself On The Onion
THE EARTH – Vowing to mete out punishment to those…
Trump Delivers Historic Schittysberg Address
SCHITTYSBERG, KY – Although frequently maligned for not knowing the significance of American history, or the proper decorum for a…
President Calls In Army To Put Down #WorldKindnessDay Celebrations
WASHINGTON DC – Fearing the spread of camaraderie and general goodwill among US citizens that takes place during the annual…
RBG Admits Broken Ribs Sustained During Ultimate Fighting Match
WASHINGTON DC – After reporters uncovered a series of training videos showing her sparring in a cage, Supreme Court Justice…
US Voters Flock To Polls In Bid To Establish Constitutional Monarchy
UNITED STATES – Suffering from extreme fatigue and a broken political system that pits two unappealing parties against each other…
Man Experiences Daylight Savings Time Shift As Foretold By Einstein
NEWPORT CANYON, CO – While astrophysics might seem like a…
Scientists Reveal Universe Actually Shaped Like iPhone 7s
BERN, SWITZERLAND – Astrophysicists who have been working for…
