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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Frozen Iowa Caucus-Goer’s Dying Wish To Own Libs

ORANGE CITY, IA –

In the small town of Orange City, where winters can be harsh and unforgiving, local man Aaron Kinsberg made the ultimate sacrifice on Monday as he lay dying from the cold after getting a flat tire on his way home from voting in the primary caucus.

Using his final breath, as Trooper Sam Barnett bent down close to his face after discovering him laying on highway 7 northeast of town, Kinsberg said that he had no regrets – and could die peacefully knowing his vote for former president Donald Trump owned the libs one last time.

Wheezing next to his truck just a few miles away from the polling station, in a voice that was just barely audible, Kinsberg also asked to be buried in his signature red Make America Great Again hat, along with his Make America Great Again coffee mug, tie pin, beer stein, and sweatshirt. “Make sure you put my phone next to me in case I wake up,” he said as he expired. “I don’t want to miss a posting on Truth Sociallll….”

While news of Kinsberg’s dedication to participating in the democratic process, even in the face of life-threatening conditions, left a somber mark on the tight-knit community of Orange City, neighbors said they were also partially relieved that Kinsberg would no longer be walking out to get his newspaper naked.

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