LONDON, UK – Abruptly snatched from a well-earned rest in the eternal Netherworld, where neither light nor sound exists, former British leader Winston Churchill was unfortunately thrust back into life on earth recently as a local halfwit who, against all odds, had been elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. “It is a sad […]
WASHINGTON, DC – In spite of alleged audio evidence of the killing of Wall Street Journal Reporter Jamaal Kashoggi by Saudi Intelligence Operatives, President Trump today insisted that “we shouldn’t jump to conclusions”, and that authorities should look into a “mysterious 400 pound man” who, according to the President, has been involved in a […]
UNITED STATES – Although the period after World War II beginning with the Truman doctrine of 1947 and ending with the fall of the Berlin wall in 1991 is generally remembered as an existential struggle between two nuclear superpowers for control of the earth, Republicans this week revealed that it was, in fact, just […]
HELSINKI, FINLAND – Held beneath banners announcing the upcoming election, a face-to-face presidential debate on Tuesday night was a no-holds barred, gloves-off match-up between front-runner Vladimir Putin and challenger Donald Trump. Unlike previous years’ debates, this one was more boxing match than civil discourse — with both candidates speaking over one another, both constantly […]
DEPAW UNIVERSITY – Using advanced imaging techniques applied to billions of cat photos and videos on the internet, researchers at Depaw University this week made a surprising discovery: cats, on average, have read more books, understood them better, and in general are better read than 95% of their human owners. Cats More Likely […]
WASHINGTON DC – Saying that he has “no problems with the gays”, and claiming that he wasn’t targeting any specific group, President Donald Trump announced punishing new tariffs on the imports of glitter this afternoon after seeing several clips of Pride celebrations on Fox News. “Believe me, I don’t care what people do behind […]
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN – The Swedish Nobel Committee on behalf of the Alfred Nobel Memorial Foundation today announced Dennis Rodman will be nominated, and almost assuredly will win, its Peace Prize for his outreach to the DPRK, and efforts to establish a lasting peace on the Korean Peninsula. First Time Nomination Has Been Released […]
WASHINGTON DC – Saying they always knew the president wouldn’t let them down, believers in the supremacy of the Aryan race were glad to hear Trump’s lawyers affirm in the Supreme Court that all Israelis could legally be barred from coming to the US. “This is simply confirmation of something we have always believed: […]
WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump demonstrated his resolute commitment to reining in trade deficits with China this week by enacting punishing tariffs on the nation’s closest ally, Canada, vowing that they would not end until China changes the way it does business with the United States. US Can No Longer Stand Idly […]
THE EARTH – Vowing to mete out punishment to those responsible for what he called “a pestilence for the ages,” Jesus returned to the earth Monday to smite the editorial board, writers and support staff of satirical news source “The Onion”. Displaying a fury normally associated with the Old Testament, the usually peaceful Jesus was […]