WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump demonstrated his resolute commitment to reining in trade deficits with China this week by enacting punishing tariffs on the nation’s closest ally, Canada, vowing that they would not end until China changes the way it does business with the United States. US Can No Longer Stand Idly […]
THE EARTH – Vowing to mete out punishment to those responsible for what he called “a pestilence for the ages,” Jesus returned to the earth Monday to smite the editorial board, writers and support staff of satirical news source “The Onion”. Displaying a fury normally associated with the Old Testament, the usually peaceful Jesus was […]
WASHINGTON DC – In an announcement that caused major confusion throughout the diplomatic world, President Trump today signed an executive order recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of the country of Iraq. Although the city of Jerusalem has existed for thousands of years within the current borders of Israel, the President said that his decision […]
THUNDERDOME – In a final showdown to determine who will claim the mantle of Keepers of the Ultimate Truth, the forces of the Flat Earth Society, and believers that the US moon landing was a fake, will face off against each other in an epic war over the fate of the cosmos. Unavoidable […]
PYONGYANG, DPRK – A sturdy old stadium that refused to yield to the march of time, or even explosives, may have a new foe to contend with. Following the failed demolition of the long since abandoned Pontiac Silverdome by construction crews today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un, in a bellicose statement released to the […]
PLANET GLORTON, ANDROMEDA GALAXY – After a long journey in his plutonium-powered spacecraft, Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer landed safely on his home planet this week, and appeared before the Galactic Council to inform them of the completion of his assignment. His full report to Glurb, Supreme Leader of Glorton, detailed the […]
WASHINGTON, DC – The White House makes many purchases over the course of the year, spending millions of dollars to keep the federal government running efficiently. However, one such item was brought to the forefront this week when President Trump called a special news conference and declared he was returning a Military Cossack Ushanka […]
LOS ANGELES, CA – Actress Meghan Markle, star of the popular USA network show “Suits” and a featured performer in numerous movies and TV shows over the years, has reportedly decided to retire from acting effective December 2017 to pursue a full-time job in princessing. In an announcement that was expected, but somehow still […]
THE WORLD – Heaving a sigh of relief, people around the world joined the United States this week in being thankful – mainly for the fact that Donald Trump is the U.S. President and not theirs. “There are many things to be thankful for in Botswana,” said Bilku Baruti, who lives in the northern […]
WASHINGTON, DC – In response to repeated questioning from the press corp on what he meant by “only one thing will work” to bring North Korea’s nuclear program to an end, President Trump this afternoon announced that thing was a complete and total ban on the sale of McDonald’s Szechuan Sauce to North Korea. […]