President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance

President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance

  WASHINGTON, DC – In spite of alleged audio evidence of the killing of Wall Street Journal Reporter Jamaal Kashoggi by Saudi Intelligence Operatives, President Trump today insisted that “we shouldn’t jump to conclusions”, and that authorities should look into a “mysterious 400 pound man” who, according to the President, has been involved in a […]

Republicans Reveal Cold War Was Just Big Misunderstanding

Republicans Reveal Cold War Was Just Big Misunderstanding

  UNITED STATES – Although the period after World War II beginning with the Truman doctrine of 1947 and ending with the fall of the Berlin wall in 1991 is generally remembered as an existential struggle between two nuclear superpowers for control of the earth, Republicans this week revealed that it was, in fact, just […]

Trump And Putin Square Off In Debate To Become President Of Helsinki

Trump And Putin Square Off In Debate To Become President Of Helsinki

  HELSINKI, FINLAND – Held beneath banners announcing the upcoming election, a face-to-face presidential debate on Tuesday night was a no-holds barred, gloves-off match-up between front-runner Vladimir Putin and challenger Donald Trump. Unlike previous years’ debates, this one was more boxing match than civil discourse — with both candidates speaking over one another, both constantly […]

Study Finds 95% Of Cats Are Better Read Than Their Owners

Study Finds 95% Of Cats Are Better Read Than Their Owners

  DEPAW UNIVERSITY – Using advanced imaging techniques applied to billions of cat photos and videos on the internet, researchers at Depaw University this week made a surprising discovery: cats, on average, have read more books, understood them better, and in general are better read than 95% of their human owners.   Cats More Likely […]

Trump Enacts New Tariffs On Glitter In Wake Of Pride Celebrations

Trump Enacts New Tariffs On Glitter In Wake Of Pride Celebrations

  WASHINGTON DC – Saying that he has “no problems with the gays”, and claiming that he wasn’t targeting any specific group, President Donald Trump announced punishing new tariffs on the imports of glitter this afternoon after seeing several clips of Pride celebrations on Fox News. “Believe me, I don’t care what people do behind […]

Trump Vows To Punish Canada Until China Comes To Its Senses

Trump Vows To Punish Canada Until China Comes To Its Senses

  WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump demonstrated his resolute commitment to reining in trade deficits with China this week by enacting punishing tariffs on the nation’s closest ally, Canada, vowing that they would not end until China changes the way it does business with the United States.   US Can No Longer Stand Idly […]


Jesus Returns To Earth, Finally Avenges Himself On The Onion

Jesus Returns To Earth, Finally Avenges Himself On The Onion

THE EARTH – Vowing to mete out punishment to those responsible for what he called “a pestilence for the ages,” Jesus returned to the earth Monday to smite the editorial board, writers and support staff of satirical news source “The Onion”. Displaying a fury normally associated with the Old Testament, the usually peaceful Jesus was […]

President Officially Recognizes Jerusalem As Capital Of Iraq

President Officially Recognizes Jerusalem As Capital Of Iraq

  WASHINGTON DC – In an announcement that caused major confusion throughout the diplomatic world, President Trump today signed an executive order recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of the country of Iraq. Although the city of Jerusalem has existed for thousands of years within the current borders of Israel, the President said that his decision […]

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