President Announces Global Nuclear War, Plans Tweet For Later That It Joke
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Battle Against Coronavirus Reminds President Of Time He Invaded Normandy Beach
WASHINGTON DC – While critics have questioned the president’s grasp of the seriousness of the Coronavirus pandemic, President Trump today put to rest any doubt as he told reporters the virus was every bit as dangerous as when he headed up the invasion of Normandy Beach during World War II as part of the […]
Antarctica Closes Borders, Fires Warning Shot Across Bow Of Cruise Ship
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President Introduces Mideast Plans For Gaza Strip Club
Applying his diplomatic skills to solve one of the most intractable problems of the last one hundred years, President Trump today announced he will convene a special joint task force to open a gentleman’s club in the occupied territory of the Gaza Strip. “I don’t know why this was not done a long time […]
Only Copy Of Evil Plans Destroyed In Missile Attack
The United States breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday at it became apparent that the only copy of an Iranian general’s evil plan to harm Americans was destroyed when the US military fired a missile at his car last week. “Luckily, the only set of evil plans was in that car, and our sources […]
Kid Playing With Matches Given More Matches
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Winston Churchill Accidentally Reincarnated As Idiot From Local Pub
LONDON, UK – Abruptly snatched from a well-earned rest in the eternal Netherworld, where neither light nor sound exists, former British leader Winston Churchill was unfortunately thrust back into life on earth recently as a local halfwit who, against all odds, had been elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. “It is a sad […]
President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance
WASHINGTON, DC – In spite of alleged audio evidence of the killing of Wall Street Journal Reporter Jamaal Kashoggi by Saudi Intelligence Operatives, President Trump today insisted that “we shouldn’t jump to conclusions”, and that authorities should look into a “mysterious 400 pound man” who, according to the President, has been involved in a […]
Republicans Reveal Cold War Was Just Big Misunderstanding
UNITED STATES – Although the period after World War II beginning with the Truman doctrine of 1947 and ending with the fall of the Berlin wall in 1991 is generally remembered as an existential struggle between two nuclear superpowers for control of the earth, Republicans this week revealed that it was, in fact, just […]
Trump And Putin Square Off In Debate To Become President Of Helsinki
HELSINKI, FINLAND – Held beneath banners announcing the upcoming election, a face-to-face presidential debate on Tuesday night was a no-holds barred, gloves-off match-up between front-runner Vladimir Putin and challenger Donald Trump. Unlike previous years’ debates, this one was more boxing match than civil discourse — with both candidates speaking over one another, both constantly […]