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Sunday, July 14, 2024

Grim Reaper Thinking Over This Whole Halloween Thing


The Grim Reaper, aka the Angel of Death, usually takes time out from his busy schedule at this time of year to make appearances at the many Halloween functions and events in the various countries where it is celebrated.

However, this year, he’s decided to take a little time and reflect on what he’s doing before committing fully to the October holiday.

“I just need to think things over a little, and be sure that I’m spending my time in a way that is good for me,” the Reaper said. “If I’m going to keep doing this every year, I want to be in the right frame of mind. I’m not going to do this half-ass just because it’s what I’ve always done.”

“That’s no way to live. Am I right?”


Not Like The Old Days

Each day the Grim Reaper must deliver a proscribed number of dead souls to the after life, which consumes much of his time.

But with the advent of social media, it’s getting harder to get the attention of souls whose gaze continues to be locked on their phones even after death. “It used to be when I showed up, the person who was dying would notice me right away and completely freak out.”

“Now, I have to practically shake them to make them stop staring at their stupid phone. A lot of people don’t even get what’s going on. They’re like ‘hey bro, can I post this on Facebook?’ or “is this going to break my streaks?”

“I’m like ‘You’re FUCKING DEAD, YOU MORON! No, you can’t post to Facebook!’ I can’t tell you how many hours I lose every week dealing with souls who can’t wrap their brains around existence without social media. It’s getting to the point where I’m just going to have to start leaving them where they are and come back and get them later. It’s that bad.”


I Have To Do Me

All that time spent educating souls about the lack of internet in the afterlife has made the Grim Reaper take stock of things and think about where he’s going.

It’s a big world out there

“Is this the way I should be spending my time?  Am I really needed at all of these Halloween shindigs? Does anybody really care if the Grim Reaper shows up?”

“It’s a big world with lots of places to visit. Maybe I should be off somewhere relaxing in my down time.”

“At the end of the day, no one is going to be looking out for the Grim Reaper except the Grim Reaper.”


The Future Is An Open Book

Aware of the weight of his decision, and of the many Halloween fans expecting to see him, the Grim Reaper doesn’t want to rush things.

“I can’t tell you what I’m going to do this Halloween. In fact, I can’t tell you what I’m going to be doing in an hour. That’s just how I feel right now, and if people have a hard time dealing with that – well, they’re just going to have to deal.”

As he said those words, the Reaper stood up to leave for his next appointment, to mete out destiny to another newly dead soul. “Life’s a bitch, and then you die. That’s what they say, right? Well, I wish things were that simple for me. I really do.”

And with that, the Grim Reaper looked down at his phone, checked his location on Google Maps, and was gone.


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