NAGARIGI BEACH, JAPAN –
A terrible roar came from the depths of a little-explored section of the Sea of Japan this morning, as Waffle Monster emerged from his cocoon of volcanic rock, and rose from the sea to do battle with your plan to lose 15 pounds this fall.
Long Been Dormant
Many years have passed since Waffle Monster first appeared. He vanquished your plan to get in shape over the winter, back when you were in your twenties. And then, just as mysteriously as he appeared, he turned and walked back into the ocean having accomplished his mission.
A great volcano erupted underwater and covered him with lava, leading you to believe he would never be heard from again.
Terrible Destruction Of Your Goals
And now, he has returned. Although you will mount a strident defense, Waffle Monster will overcome all attempts to defeat him. There is no weapon known to humans that can stop Waffle Monster as he crushes your goal to be slimmer. Waffle Monster is invincible. Nothing can deter him.
Your Only Hope
The only hope you have to stop Waffle Monster is Treadmillidon. If Treadmillidon were to appear, he could slow down Waffle Monster. But Treadmillidon has not been seen for many years, and is covered by several inches of dust in your basement.
No, Treadmillidon will not arrive to defeat Waffle Monster.
Waffle Monster will triumph. He will destroy your hope for losing 15 pounds. And when he is done, he will let out his terrible roar. And once again, walk back into the sea from whence he came.
Enigmatic, alone, and delicious.
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