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Sunday, July 14, 2024

CEO Asks Board To Clarify How He Can Be Paid So Much Friggin’ Money


In an effort to gather more information from his company’s board of directors regarding his compensation, a CEO this week sent a letter requesting clarification on why exactly he is being paid so much friggin’ money.

The letter, prepared by his Executive Assistant and addressed to the Chairman of the Board, was cc’d to each senior board member, as well as the Chief Governance Officer and the Head of Human Resources. In it, the CEO, who apparently was concerned he had run afoul of some law, asked for documentation detailing why his weekly payroll checks were “so fucking enormous”?

“I mean, WTF? How can this company continue to pay me these crazy amounts and still stay in business? It doesn’t make any sense.”

Many Zeros

“Have you seen how many zeros are in my weekly gross income?” the CEO asked. “I am concerned not only with the effect this is having on our company’s financial well-being, but also on the huge tax liability it is generating for myself. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I am afraid that I will end up in jail due to these alarmingly high amounts of money you are sending me.”

The CEO, who questioned whether he was participating in some sort of Ponzi scam, asked the board to tell him “what was really going on,” and to please stop “hiding behind spreadsheets and charts.”

“I am no longer going to play along quietly. We all know there is no reason you should be giving me these shockingly large paychecks and I, for one, want some answers. What is your game?”

As of press time, the board promised to address the CEO’s questions at the Q4 meeting in January 2025, when they are expected to approve a 14 million dollar bonus for him and announce massive company-wide layoffs.

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