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Sunday, April 21, 2024

Navlany Dead From Natural Causes Of Being Shot In Head And Pushed Out 5th Story Window Says Kremlin

MOSCOW –

Officials in Moscow released the results of the investigation into the death of Alexei Navalny on Friday, which revealed the Russian activist and opponent of President Vladimir Putin died of natural causes after being shot in the head four times and being thrown from the window of a five-story building.

Emergency services were called immediately to the scene as Navalny fell ill after being retrieved from the place where his body landed and bled out from multiple gunshot wounds – and he was rushed several hours later to a nearby hospital where he later died of natural causes.

“It is sad, but the human body carries the seeds of its own demise and will inevitably stop functioning one day as nature intended”, said Kremlin spokesperson Boris Nemtikov. “Many of us will similarly one day pass away as a result of these natural processes, whether that is from our heart slowly stopping after being injected with a poison, or our lungs ceasing to breath after we’ve been strangled with a piece of piano wire.”

“It may be that Navalny succumbed to a genetic weakness that rendered his heart muscle inactive after having been torn apart by bullets,” said Dr. Peter Konstructinov of Moscow Central Hospital. “Unfortunately, these things can happen out of the blue during our daily tasks, such as walking a dog, being pushed under a train, or triggering a car bomb by turning a car’s ignition key. Our human organs have a limit to how long they can continue to work to keep us alive.”

The death surprised many of the guards in Navalny’s prison, who said he kept himself in good shape. “I used to see him exercising all the time,” said Prison Guard Frederik Polshki. “I guess it just goes to show that only your body knows when it is time to die from an arrow shot from a violin case, or nerve toxin served to you in a cafeteria meal.”

Local authorities have reminded residents to follow basic Russian guidelines for good heath, such as eating fruits and vegetables, moderate to light exercise, and looking under your car for any suspicious objects attached to it before driving to the store.

As of press time, shadowy figures who witnessed the death agreed that natural causes were indeed the most likely way for a person to die, and can happen to anyone, at anytime, in any place. Even in the Kremlin.

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