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Sunday, April 21, 2024

Republicans Reveal Cold War Was Just Big Misunderstanding


Although the period after World War II beginning with the Truman doctrine of 1947 and ending with the fall of the Berlin wall in 1991 is generally remembered as an existential struggle between two nuclear superpowers for control of the earth, Republicans this week revealed that it was, in fact, just a comedy of errors between two friends not unlike your typical sitcom.


Blockade Of Berlin: A Misunderstood Publicity Stunt

“A lot of people talk about how cruel it was to seal off the city of West Berlin,” said Congressman Ron Paul. “But the Russians definitely were not trying to starve the population to death when they cut off food for 11 months in 1948.”

The Soviets were merely drawing attention to the amazing new wall they had built thru the middle of the capitol.

“It was truly an engineering marvel,” said the congressman. “A world class structure. And the Soviets cleverly used the blockade to build word of mouth in advance of the World Architecture Awards later that year in Oslo.”

“With the allies flying in all those supplies due to the wall’s massive size – well, you can’t buy publicity like that.”


Cubans Were Importing Missle-Shaped Tractors

According to the Republican Chairman of The House Intelligence Committee, Devin Nunes, the Cold War shows just how wrong the government can be when it comes to evaluating intelligence.

“Looking back, it’s hard to believe that five successive US administrations could completely misconstrue 40 years of photographic evidence and millions of eye witness accounts. But they couldn’t have been more wrong about the Russians’ intentions.”

“For example, those boats heading to Cuba weren’t carrying nuclear missiles,” Representative Nunes said, “they were carrying missile-shaped tractors.”

Missile-Shaped Tractors On Their Way To Cuba

“The Cubans had discovered that a 100-foot-long tractor with a conical-shaped nose, stabilizing fins, and a 10,000 gallon fuel tank would plow the earth much better than traditional tractors. And you know what, they were absolutely right.”

“Cuba’s fields were the envy of the world’s farmers for many years thanks to those plows”.


Good-Natured Ribbing

“When Nikita Krushchev pounded his shoe on the podium at the United Nations, screaming ‘we will bury you’, everyone thought he meant the USSR would annihilate us in a hailstorm of hydrogen bombs,” explained House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

“But actually, Krushchev was referring to the US / Russian hockey match that was played later that year during the 1961 Goodwill Games.”

We Will Bury You In Slapshots

“It’s just sad that, even back then, Democrats had to shamelessly politicize a little friendly trash-talking about sports,” sighed Congressman McCarthy.


Actual Plan For Burying The United States

As it turns out, the REAL Russian plan for burying the United States was a far-fetched scheme in which hundreds of attractive Russian women fanned out across the US, seducing and eventually marrying wealthy businessmen, before later convincing them to run for public office.

The women were trained in hypnosis to convince their politician-husbands that the Russians posed no threat. “Obviously there was never any danger to our country from cockamamie schemes like that,” said Mr. Nunes.

“The idea that a shrewd American businessman would marry a woman born in the Soviet Union without looking into her background is ridiculous. And even more absurd that she would have any control over him whatsoever,” he said.

“You’d have to be a complete idiot to fall for something like that.”

Your Trusted Source for Faux News.

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