WASHINGTON DC – In a harshly worded statement that left no room for interpretation, leaders of the democratic party today demanded in no uncertain terms that President Trump must not, under any circumstances, attempt to juggle chainsaws. And further, that if he does, he must never do so while wearing a blindfold. Redline […]
WASHINGTON DC – Making a frantic call from the shower stall of his 2nd floor bathroom this morning, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell called for Senate Republicans to immediately vote without delay via conference call to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court “before any of those slippery goddam devils tries to back out.” […]
WASHINGTON DC – In an impromptu visit to the Judiciary Committee that recommended his confirmation 27 years ago, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas stopped by the US Senate this week to reminisce with the legislative branch as a white guy with a side-part. Crazy Times Although admittedly not as young as he used […]
OTTAWA, CANADA – In a remarkable departure from presidential decorum, Donald Trump today unsettled the Washington establishment when he was overcome with a terrible fervor in the Lincoln bedroom, swearing to the heavens that he would visit all manner of evil upon the bovine population of the United State’s northernmost neighbor, or die in […]
THE PENTAGON – Lashing out at what he saw as a threat to national security after being told of an unflattering comment about himself, President Donald Trump today revoked all security privileges for the Home Alone child star MacCauley Culkin, effective immediately. Although Mr. Culkin has no security privileges or access to government classified […]
WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump demonstrated his resolute commitment to reining in trade deficits with China this week by vowing that he would punish American farmers “as long as it takes” until China changes the way it does business with the United States. US Can No Longer Stand Idly By Saying the […]
KATCHATAW, IOWA – A local toad, who has made a name for himself as the ‘toadiest toad in Katchataw county’, has been feeling a little out of sorts during the president’s trip to Helsinki this week. It seems he’s been plagued by the notion that maybe he’s quite not as toady as he thought. […]
LOUISVILLE, KY – In a continuation of the turbulent events surrounding the founder of Papa John’s Pizza, John Schnatter, the ex-CEO today followed up his accusation that the beloved icon of the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise used the “N-word” with claims that Colonel Sanders had been seen sexually cavorting with animals. “Using N-word […]
WASHINGTON DC – In the wake of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s announced retirement from the US Supreme Court, President Trump moved swiftly today to nominate internet meme Scumbag Steve as the replacement for the 81-year old judge. Met At A Key Party At Mar-A-Lago The president, a longtime fan of the erstwhile internet sensation, […]
WASHINGTON, DC – In a bit of sleuthing that would would have made Sherlock Holmes proud, the US Congress this week claimed to have located the source of most of the gravest problems facing the nation today: Steve Zuckerberg, the head of a social media company that provides free web pages for people to […]