Attorney General Releases Special Mueller Report To White House
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Conspiracy Theorist Assures Public Nothing Suspicious About Mueller Report
After ridiculing people over several decades for being duped by official explanations, a local conspiracy theorist today announced there was absolutely nothing to question in a recent government report from the Special Counsel’s Office of the FBI. “Americans should take this report at face value, and not read anything into it,” said the man, […]
US Prepares Response To President On Behalf Of John McCain
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White Supremacist Shooter Boosts Taliban Approval Ratings By .01%
CHRISTCHURCH, NZ – According to a new poll released today by the public opinion-tracking company The Phalen Group, an Australian white supremacist shooter significantly boosted approval ratings for the Afghanistan Muslim group most closely associated with the attack on 911 by an impressive .01 percent. The shooter, who committed horrific crimes against defenseless people […]
Wiccans Storm US Capitol After Being Left Out Of Anti-Bigotry Resolution
WASHINGTON DC – Chaos broke out at the US Capitol this afternoon after a House resolution calling for an end to bigotry and discrimination failed to include the Neo-Pagan, earth-centered religion Wicca. Making a remark he would later regret, Representative Doug Collins, the top Republican on the House Judiciary Committee, exclaimed shortly before the […]
Trump Orders White House Security Clearance Granted For Vladimir Putin
WASHINGTON DC – Bucking the long tradition of former presidents refusing to give sensitive intelligence to the leaders of adversarial nations, President Trump this week ordered Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney to grant Russian President Vladimir Putin the highest security clearance available from the US government. The clearance, which allows the former KGB officer […]
White House Report: Fear Of Poverty Will Keep You Healthy
WASHINGTON DC – The White House released some positive news Tuesday to reassure the 24 million Americans who may lose their health insurance under the Republican-led lawsuit to invalidate the Affordable Care Act. “It’s understandable that Americans losing their insurance under our plan will be concerned about what will happen to them. This is […]
Ebay Scam: Trump Trades US Nuclear Warhead For Fake Nobel Peace Prize
WASHINGTON DC – In a hoax that proved even the President of the United States can be taken for a ride, the US military delivered a nuclear warhead Tuesday to an undisclosed location in Southeast Asia and exchanged it for a Nobel Peace prize which later turned out to be a forgery. The Peace Prize, […]
Mueller Releases 274 Page Diatribe Against Jaywalking
WASHINGTON, DC – Saying he was only just getting started, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller today released the first in what will be a 373-volume set of leather-bound books detailing the deplorable state of American culture, as embodied by its flagrant disregard for the rule of law. The first volume, an impassioned 23-chapter manifesto calling […]
Millions Of Voters Pre-Ordering Mortal Kombat To Prepare For 2020 Election
In anticipation of a brutal 2020 election season, video game market analysts this week said voters across the nation have been pre-ordering millions of copies of the upcoming Mortal Kombat 11 in the hopes that they can toughen up before the Iowa straw poll next year. The 11th installment of the popular fighting video […]