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Sunday, April 21, 2024

Republicans Pretty Sure This Whole Gun Thing Will Blow Over Soon


While recognizing that firearms are an important issue, Republicans this week said they’re reasonably certain people are blowing this whole gun thing way out of proportion at the moment, and are confident the country will settle down and return to accepting mass shootings in the United States as normal real soon.


Why The Big Fuss Now?

“We’ve had these types of shootings going all the way back to the 60’s”, said Republican strategist Gavin Cutterson of think tank Caput Inanis. “And in general, people seem more or less resigned to them, so we’re thinking this whole protest thing is probably just a blip and will fizzle out in a couple of weeks.”

Indeed, Republicans have been quick to point out protestors have rallied around specific causes before, only to have momentum fade.

“Remember the Snail Darter?” said Kevin Longst of The American Policy Initiative Forum, as he watched hundreds of thousands of people stream down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC demanding gun legislation. “Yeah, me neither.”

“Mark my word,” said Pat Merthrison who was visiting Washington with his brother, “these people will be on to the next cause tomorrow. Most of them are probably paid protesters anyway – you can tell by the way they are all singing in unison. Regular people don’t do that, unless they’re like in a choir or something.”


People At Home Underrepresented

Annoyed by the media attention paid to the “March For Our Lives” demonstrations, some Republicans have questioned why we aren’t seeing all the people who stayed home?

“You know, every time there is a a big hoopla, like over this gun deal, there are a lot of people just going about their business and ignoring what’s going on,” said Mr. Longst. “Why don’t we ever see those people on TV?”

“Shouldn’t those kids be in school?” questioned Marilyn Styrgis of Oakdale, Idaho, who was unaware that the March For Our Lives was taking place when reached by phone at home . “I know it’s Saturday, but there’s probably a dance or yearbook club they could be at. Do their parents know where they are?”


Kids Unlikely To Vote When They Are Older

Regardless of how long the current gun protests last, Republicans do not feel that today’s youth will have much staying power in general. “From a party perspective, we’re pretty sure this generation is too distracted to be much of a political force down the road,” Mr. Longst said.

“Studies have shown kids today are very preoccupied with their phones, and do not keep up with news sources on TV like their parents. While they have passion for their cause, they lack the traditional organizational skills of attending party fundraisers, caucuses, and meetings.”

“How are they going to get their candidates elected in the future when they’re spending all their time on social media talking to their friends, families, coworkers and other people they’ve never met?” said Mr. Cutterson.

“From a common sense perspective, it’s just never going to happen.”

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