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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Congress Identifies 37 Year Old Nerd As Source Of All Nation’s Problems


In a bit of sleuthing that would would have made Sherlock Holmes proud, the US Congress this week claimed to have located the source of most of the gravest problems facing the nation today: Steve Zuckerberg, the head of a social media company that provides free web pages for people to post pictures of themselves and share notes with each other.


Not The Obvious First Choice

“Many people would have picked another option when it came to identifying the main cause of what ails our country,” said Representative Frank Jordan, the chair of the House Industrial Energy Committee. “Endless war, runaway deficits, global warming, a backlog of government posts to fill, the crumbling of our infrastructure. There are a lot of things we could have chosen.”

“Gross income inequality, our students falling behind in education, earthquakes caused by fracking, the automation of manufacturing jobs, rampant gun availability in our streets, hate crimes, the proliferation of nuclear and chemical weapons, racism. A lot of people would say these problems would be more important to focus on,” said Sarah Livers, Representative for Indiana’s 10th Congressional District.

But after considering many other possibilities as the origin for all that troubles its citizens, Congress zeroed in on one man.


Had No Idea What The Company Was Up To

Many in Congress were stunned to find that Mr. Zuckerberg’s company, Facebook, has provided information on its users continuously to advertisers since the company’s inception almost 15 years ago.

“It is shocking to the conscience that a free service would gather data on its users, then allow that information to be used by other companies to target advertising to those same users – essentially tailoring communication directly to an individual,” read a statement from the Congressional Office of Administration, which requested Mr. Zuckerberg come to Washington to respond to questions from all 535 of its members.

“Clearly, Mark Zuckerberg is either at the root, or is very close to the root, of almost all of the problems in our republic today,” it said.


Future Sessions To Be Scheduled

While the invitation to question Mr. Zuckerberg was extended to all past members of Congress, their wives, friends, children and grandchildren over 18, many were not able to make the trip.

“We plan on scheduling sessions throughout the coming months so that members who were unavailable the first two days can have their concerns addressed in a public forum,” the Office of Administration said. “And also to arrange access for local TV stations who were not able to film their home state Senators and Representatives asking questions the first time around.”

Remedies Congress is currently considering to rein in the social media giant are expected to include increased regulation, reduced pricing for political PACs to run ads, and access to mailing lists of all Facebook users broken down by party affiliation and whether or not they are fans of cats.

Additional appearances of Mr. Zuckerberg before Congress are expected to run thru the 2018 midterm elections.

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