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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Founders Terrified Of 34 Year-Old Presidential Candidate Agree It OK To Be Insurrectionist

In the dimly lit chamber where they gathered to sign the US Constitution, a collective sigh of relief echoed among the founding fathers on Tuesday after they agreed to allow insurrectionists to run for president, as long as dangerous 34-year-olds were barred from ever being considered for the nation’s highest office.

Drawing on their historical knowledge and a cautious approach to governance, the members concurred that entrusting the presidency to an individual who had actively worked to overthrow the government was OK as long as that person was older than 34.

“There is something in the mind of a 34 year-old that is highly volatile,” said General Washington as he stepped up to the podium with a quill pen to make his mark on the historic document. “While a man who incites crowds to storm the capitol would cut a fine figure as a presidential candidate at 35, we would be placing the republic in extreme peril were we to allow any person to run with the treacherous inclinations of a man any younger.”

Benjamin Franklin, who required assistance to approach the document due to his advanced age, agreed.

“Under no circumstances should a man of 34 be allowed to make a speech declaring his intention to be president, let alone appear on a ballot,” he said as he scribbled his name on the parchment. “However, if this same fellow who, having plotted to send the head of the Senate to the gallows, attains the age of 35, he should by all means be allowed – nay, encouraged – to run.”


At press time, after having safeguarded the fledgling democracy from the uncertainties of a 34-year old presidential candidate, the founding fathers began work on their next goal of installing a fascist dictator as head of the nation.

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