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Thursday, February 29, 2024

Report: I Selfie, Therefore I Am

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND –

An international conference of philosophers meeting in Geneva this week unanimously endorsed a paper presented by University of Lyon Professor Edwin Grunschveld stating that “Selfito, ergo sum”, (Latin: “I Selfie, therefore I am”) is a corollary to the French mathematician and philosopher René Descartes’s famous maxim “I think, therefore I am”, and a first principle in demonstrating the attainability of certain knowledge.

“In our search for the ultimate core of our being,” said conference chair Dr. Stephanie Mellham, “there can be no more profound indication of our existence in the cosmos than an image taken by our own hand in front of a Chili’s restaurant, sitting on our bedroom floor, or waiting in a car while a friend runs into Walgreens to pick up a Liquid Death.”

“This affirmation of our own eyes staring directly back at ourselves removes all doubt, not only that we are sentient beings capable of pressing the trigger on a mobile phone, but that we are possessed of the intention to do so,” said Dr. Mellham.

Demonstrating that, had Descartes possessed an iPhone 2.0 or later version in 1637 as he was writing his treatise “Discourse on Method”, he would have landed on the selfie as the primary proof of existence, Professor Grunschveld convinced the philosophers at the convention to unanimously endorse his findings.

“Descartes’ obsessive need to have his portrait painted over and over again in different locations, coupled with the many hours each day attending to his flaxen hair, and daily shopping for velvet robes in the Toulouse marketplace, speaks to our human need for visual proof of how we look in the universe,” the professor told his colleagues as he presented his paper. “It’s clear that Descartes not only would have made copious use of the iPhone, but that it would have been the primary occupier of his time.”

As the attendees gave a standing ovation to the professor at the conclusion of the conference, a motion to strike the proposition “I think, therefore I am” from further philosophical study was unanimously adopted, since it was clear that thinking was an outdated model of existence that had little to do with taking a selfie.

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