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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Former President Says He Wasn’t An Officer Since He Was Rarely In The Office


Addressing controversy surrounding his time as president of the United States, former President Donald Trump asserted in court on Thursday that he could not be considered an officer in the government during that period, since he was never in the office.

“I would go in once and awhile to check the mail,” said the former leader of the free world, “but really I don’t remember being in the office much. My secretary would just turn people away all day telling them I was in a high level meeting.”

Pleased with the improvement in his golf score over that time period, the ex-President was not fond of the confines of a place of business. “The office is really a drag. Everybody always asking questions, running in with papers,” the president said. “I don’t know why people do it. Remote is the new way. Remote. It’s much better. You just go out and maybe you take a call or maybe more likely just turn off the phone so you can focus on the game. I was never an officer. I’m a golfer.”

The ex-president’s attorney, Susan Hintox, agreed. “People have this misconception that a president’s job needs to include time in the office, but as it turns out, perfecting his swing and mastering the art of putting was our former president’s true focus. And as such, he was never in the office, and could not be considered an officer.”

“Sometimes, the most fulfilling careers are the ones we stumble upon when we least expect it,” said the ex-president’s longtime caddie TJ Bornsome. “I thought I was going to be an accountant, but I realized I didn’t know how to add. Then I was going to be a lawyer, but I couldn’t read.”

“Now I am much happier out here,” he said motioning to the wide green fairways. “I think the ex-president experienced something very similar.”

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