News Break: Trump Missiles Slime Ball Porn Star Great Again

News Break: Trump Missiles Slime Ball Porn Star Great Again

  WASHINGTON DC – In news out of Washington this week, President Trump missiles slime ball porn star Mexicans, Putin skyscraper prostitutes urinate contestants groping winning. While Washington insiders say it’s true that trips to country club fired resigning leaks spelling tweet Fox, sources report that totally lies Hillary weak completely witch hunt loser dopey. […]

Fears On The Right Justified As Cultural Marxists Infiltrate Government

Fears On The Right Justified As Cultural Marxists Infiltrate Government

  WASHINGTON DC – Although he was fired from his job at the National Security Council for a memo detailing the “deep state conspiracy by Cultural Marxists,” ex-director of strategic planning Rich Higgins proved prescient in his predictions this week when several Marxists were discovered to have infiltrated the highest ranks of government. The accused […]

Nation’s Underperforming Schools To Be Converted Into Amway Distributorships

Nation’s Underperforming Schools To Be Converted Into Amway Distributorships

  WASHINGTON DC – In a move designed to spark initiative and entrepreneurial spirit in the nation’s most challenged classrooms, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos announced today that poor children across America will no longer receive traditional classroom instruction, and instead will begin training to sell Amway products full time. Ms. DeVos, who is married to […]

Bone Spur Attack Forces President To Abandon Gun Legislation

Bone Spur Attack Forces President To Abandon Gun Legislation

WASHINGTON DC – In an unfortunate case of a chronic medical condition shaping US domestic policy, an ill-timed bone spur attack has thwarted President Trump’s pursuit of gun legislation to save the children of our nation’s schools. “Oh boy, these are some bad ones,” the president said. “Really bad – I mean these are terrible […]

Local Man Worried Smart Phone May Be Giving Him Commands

Local Man Worried Smart Phone May Be Giving Him Commands

  SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After a busy day of sight-seeing this week in the famous “City By The Bay,” college student and part-time barista Riley Kraner was reviewing the pictures he took on his smart phone while eating dinner, when he noticed something strange. “I had gone through a guidebook the night before in […]

Trump Declares Would Not Have Been Afraid During Normandy Invasion

Trump Declares Would Not Have Been Afraid During Normandy Invasion

WASHINGTON DC – Although critics expressed skepticism of the president’s claims of bravado earlier this week during a press conference over the school shooting in Parkland, Florida, President Trump bolstered his case for bravery today by sharing several more potential scenarios in which he would have acted with extreme valor during events that happened in […]

FBI Uncovers Shark Plot To Overthrow US Government

FBI Uncovers Shark Plot To Overthrow US Government

WASHINGTON DC – In what is believed to be the first plot ever by an aquatic species to topple the United States government by force, the FBI announced today that they had foiled a plan by sharks to take over the White House and install a new shark dictator. The plan, which was outlined in […]

Hawaiian Civil Defense Worker Blames Candy Crush For False Alarm

Hawaiian Civil Defense Worker Blames Candy Crush For False Alarm

  HONOLULU, HA – A Hawaiian civil defense worker who mistakenly clicked a button alerting millions of island residents that the arrival of an incoming ballistics missile was imminent, apologized today and said playing the popular internet game Candy Crush was likely responsible for her inadvertent action.   I Am So Addicted To That Game […]

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