Frustrated Area 51 Visitors Promised UFO Rides, Given Skateboards
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Michael Bolton To Replace John Bolton As National Security Advisor
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Bruce Springsteen Shuts Down US Government, Returns Land To Indians
Frustrated by his country’s inability to get on anything resembling a path to common decency despite decades of effort, singer-songwriter and national treasure Bruce Springsteen used a little known clause in the US Constitution Tuesday to dissolve the United States government, and return the land to its indigenous peoples. “Obviously this has all been […]
New Poll Shows Americans Still Confident Rich People Will Save Them
A new survey released by the non-partisan pollster Statum Finis this week showed that despite the many serious challenges Americans will face in the coming decades, a majority of them are still confident that rich people will ultimately solve all the nation’s problems. “Yeah, it’s pretty daunting to think of all the terrible things […]
Supportive First Lady Decides To “Go Back To Country She Came From”
WASHINGTON DC – Embracing an idea first floated by her mercurial husband, who implored several House Democrats to return to their country of origins, First Lady Melania Trump this week decided she would take the President up on his suggestion and will start the process of moving back to the city of Novo Mesto […]
Confused President Trump Lands In Japan, Salutes Hello Kitty Mascot
TOKYO, JAPAN – After a long flight aboard Air Force One to begin his 12 day tour of Asia, President Trump disembarked onto the tarmac at Haneda Airport outside Tokyo in the early morning hours and promptly saluted a Hello Kitty mascot. The President, apparently mistaking the mascot for the Prime Minister of Japan, […]
Inspiring: Robert Smith Teaches Morehouse Graduates Concept Of Speaking Metaphorically
Props to benevolent billionaire investor and former chemical engineer Robert F. Smith who took time out of his busy schedule this week to do a solid for the graduating class of Morehouse College by demonstrating the rhetorical convention of how to speak in metaphor to make a point by using heightened or exaggerated language […]
Alabama Passes Law Protecting Right Of Rapists To Spread Thru State’s Gene Pool
In a landmark law recognizing the rights of rapists to see their unborn progeny brought to term by their victims, the Alabama legislature this week voted to ensure those who commit violent sexual assault will be able to pass along their genes to the general population with each successful pregnancy. “This is long overdue,” […]
President Enacts 100% Tariffs On All Countries Everywhere
Declaring you can never have too much of a good thing, President Trump today announced he will be enacting 100% tariffs on all goods and materials imported from any country, regardless of what the product is, what it’s used for, or where it came from. “For years, we have suffered from terrible trade deals […]
Visitor From Future Confirms: Trump Totally Blamed For Everything
A space traveler from earth’s distant future, where human beings dwell in underground caves without sunlight, and subsist on bacteria grown in pools of sulphur, confirmed Tuesday that President Trump will indeed be blamed for all the ills that befall humanity from here on out. “Yep, he’s pretty much blamed for everything,” said the […]