SCHITTYSBERG, KY – Although frequently maligned for not knowing the significance of American history, or the proper decorum for a sitting president, Donald Trump today delivered an impassioned speech to commemorate the anniversary of President Lincoln’s “Gettysberg Address” in the town of Schittysberg, Kentucky, only a half mile from where Senate Majority Leader Mitch […]
WASHINGTON DC – Fearing the spread of camaraderie and general goodwill among US citizens that takes place during the annual observance #WorldKindnessDay, President Trump called in 10,000 US soldiers to the nation’s capital to monitor events for any unusual behavior. Citing unpredictable acts such as “THE BIG HUG,” and handing out Kindness Cards to […]
WASHINGTON DC – In a gesture of goodwill toward Democrats this week on the heels of the midterm elections, House Republicans said they are glad to be “moving forward” and are “ready to work in a spirit of bi-partisanship and mutual respect” as Democrats take control of the House of Representatives. As Jesus […]
WASHINGTON DC – After reporters uncovered a series of training videos showing her sparring in a cage, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg admitted today that she had not fallen in her office according to news reports, but in fact had sustained three broken ribs pummeling an opponent in an underground ultimate fighting ring. […]
UNITED STATES – Suffering from extreme fatigue and a broken political system that pits two unappealing parties against each other in never-ending rounds of bickering without addressing the country’s needs, voters across the US ran to the polls in huge numbers today in an attempt to return to the 1600’s, and become subjects of […]
UNITED STATES – Dramatically exposing a serious vulnerability in the nation’s emergency response system, millions of 911 calls overwhelmed dispatchers across the country last night after a brief outage of the video hosting platform YouTube prompted a torrent of calls. Caught Completely Off-Guard The Google-owned service had been down for several minutes when […]
WASHINGTON DC – Fresh on the heels of an administration victory in the Senate, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo took the opportunity of some menus being passed around in the cabinet room to appoint himself to the newly created position Director of Menu Book. A spokesperson for the State Department outlined the duties of […]
WASHINGTON DC – Anticipating the impending confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh later this week, justices on the Supreme Court were already looking forward to the devil may care attitude and subsequent partying they are sure he will bring. “Can’t wait to tie one on at ‘Kav’s”, Justice Alito said, already trying out nicknames for the […]
WASHINGTON DC – Citing general distractedness and the excitement of football among other factors, Republicans expressed confidence today that all the crazy stuff that’s been happening this week will most likely blow over and be forgotten about before Monday rolls around. Like Water Off A Duck’s Back “A relaxing weekend watching football always […]
UNITED STATES – Although the subject of a recent poll is the current President of the United States, a random sampling from across the country revealed that 87% of American children cannot recall who Donald J. Trump is, or why they should even know his name. While the same children remembered small details about […]