In a surprise announcement today, Department of Justice officials declared that Ohio State University has been picked to oversee any further investigations of President Donald Trump, his family, and business interests according to a source who requested anonymity. The university, recently under fire for allowing a sports doctor to allegedly molest athletes unimpeded for […]
In a landmark law recognizing the rights of rapists to see their unborn progeny brought to term by their victims, the Alabama legislature this week voted to ensure those who commit violent sexual assault will be able to pass along their genes to the general population with each successful pregnancy. “This is long overdue,” […]
Declaring you can never have too much of a good thing, President Trump today announced he will be enacting 100% tariffs on all goods and materials imported from any country, regardless of what the product is, what it’s used for, or where it came from. “For years, we have suffered from terrible trade deals […]
A space traveler from earth’s distant future, where human beings dwell in underground caves without sunlight, and subsist on bacteria grown in pools of sulphur, confirmed Tuesday that President Trump will indeed be blamed for all the ills that befall humanity from here on out. “Yep, he’s pretty much blamed for everything,” said the […]
Exasperated by hours of coloring in which his red marker repeatedly failed to stay on its side of the line, 5-year-old artist and future Republican party member Richie Pemberton complained loudly to his parents about the marker’s violation of the boundary on the page. “Why is this stupid marker always on my side?” he […]
WASHINGTON, DC – After two years of attacks that have depleted the energy reserves of the administration and sown confusion and chaos in its ranks, the White House today called off its war on irony, concluding that the conflict was only making irony more difficult to defeat. “The president has done an excellent job […]
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WASHINGTON, DC – Building on the popularity of the changes to this year’s forms, including six “building-block” schedules and new rules affecting 50 million filers, congress this week promised to work overtime in the coming months to churn out an additional 14 worksheets in time for next year’s tax season. “We’ve listened to our […]
Unhappy at repeated criticism surrounding his use of grammar on Twitter, President Trump today lashed out at what he termed “PC Fake English” and said he is banning all extra words on social media. “The Fake News thinks they are so good with grammar – but they use too many words that take up valuable […]
Under questioning in the wake of college admissions scandals sweeping the country, water polo players from several prestigious Ivy League universities called a press conference today to announce that water polo is not really a sport. “There is no such thing as water polo,” said Brock Gavin, captain of the Yale water polo club, […]