UNITED STATES – Beset by increasing monthly streaming subscription prices, stolen personal data, school-to-prison pipelines, runaway health care costs, and the endemic gerrymandering of its electoral power, the people of the United States have been searching for a champion of principled values to help them make sense of the confusing world around them. And so […]
PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA – Olympians celebrating the end of the 2018 Winter Games had a little bit of a ceremony hangover after their final night in Pyeongchang. Partying in a wild orgy of drinking, cavorting and general mayhem, athletes from around the globe left an Olympic village strewn with beer cups, cigarette butts, and […]
WASHINGTON DC – After watching several hours of curling from the Oval Office over the weekend, an irritated President Trump called his staff members into the White House Sunday afternoon and questioned them how anyone could win an Olympic gold medal for sliding a rock across some ice, when he won the entire presidency of […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA – Joyous Eagles fans filled the streets of Philadelphia tonight after their football team defeated the New England Patriots 41-33, and marked the historic celebration by reducing the building where the US Constitution was written to a pile of ashes. “This is the greatest day of my life!” cried Arthur Belling, as […]
ST PAUL, MN – After becoming upset today during a training session at a facility in Saint Paul, MN, a curling teammate hoping to gain a spot in the Winter Olympics slid every last one of those thingies all the way down the ice in a big pile up at the other end. […]
CLEVELAND, OH – Saying that he wanted to “show these kids how a full-ass grown man plays this game,” 57 year-old Isiah Thomas returned to the NBA this week with the Cleveland Cavaliers and promptly scored 127 points with 37 rebounds and 14 blocked shots Tuesday night. In an aggressive display of dominance over […]
NEW YORK, NY – Under intense public pressure from the Hoboes Union Of America, and due to the poor condition of their own players’ uniforms, the NBA this week announced they would allow hoboes to play during regular season home games. The move, which comes on the heels of several players appearing on the court […]
CLEVELAND, OH – As the losing streak for the Cleveland Browns shows no signs of abating, the National Organization For Sports Social Media has placed the social media team for the NFL’s Browns on suicide watch as a precautionary measure following the team’s latest loss this season. Round the clock monitoring will begin starting immediately, […]
PARKINGTON BEACH, CA – After a particularly grueling two hour free throw session today at his local park, 42 year-old Sam Barrowes decided to knock off early and check his twelve active social media channels to see if the Los Angeles Clippers have asked him to try out yet. “I’ve been working social pretty […]
BIG SUR, CA – A baby turtle that hatched this morning on a beach near Big Sur was amazed when it realized how far it had to travel to get to the ocean, but although the distance was almost more than its tiny eyes could see, it was thankful that at least it was […]