Bryson DeChambeau Wins Tournament, Declared Duke Of Burgundy

Bryson DeChambeau Wins Tournament, Declared Duke Of Burgundy

  BUCKINGHAM PALACE – After a rousing third round victory at the Northern Trust Tournament in picturesque Paramus, New Jersey, the American professional golfer Bryson DeChambeau was declared Duke of Burgundy by her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II at a ceremony in Buckingham Palace this morning, endowing him with all the rights and privileges of […]

Nation Desperate For Voice Of Moral Authority Turns To NBA Franchise

Nation Desperate For Voice Of Moral Authority Turns To NBA Franchise

UNITED STATES – Beset by increasing monthly streaming subscription prices, stolen personal data, school-to-prison pipelines, runaway health care costs, and the endemic gerrymandering of its electoral power, the people of the United States have been searching for a champion of principled values to help them make sense of the confusing world around them. And so […]

Olympians Trash Olympic Village In Epic Kegger, Lose Damage Deposit

Olympians Trash Olympic Village In Epic Kegger, Lose Damage Deposit

  PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA – Olympians celebrating the end of the 2018 Winter Games had a little bit of a ceremony hangover after their final night in Pyeongchang. Partying in a wild orgy of drinking, cavorting and general mayhem, athletes from around the globe left an Olympic village strewn with beer cups, cigarette butts, and […]

President Trump Demands Gold Medal For Being President

President Trump Demands Gold Medal For Being President

WASHINGTON DC – After watching several hours of curling from the Oval Office over the weekend, an irritated President Trump called his staff members into the White House Sunday afternoon and questioned them how anyone could win an Olympic gold medal for sliding a rock across some ice, when he won the entire presidency of […]

Eagles Fans Win Superbowl, Burn Independence Hall To The Ground

Eagles Fans Win Superbowl, Burn Independence Hall To The Ground

  PHILADELPHIA, PA – Joyous Eagles fans filled the streets of Philadelphia tonight after their football team defeated the New England Patriots 41-33, and marked the historic celebration by reducing the building where the US Constitution was written to a pile of ashes. “This is the greatest day of my life!” cried Arthur Belling, as […]


Hall-Of-Famer Isiah Thomas Returns To NBA, Scores 127 Points

Hall-Of-Famer Isiah Thomas Returns To NBA, Scores 127 Points

  CLEVELAND, OH – Saying that he wanted to “show these kids how a full-ass grown man plays this game,” 57 year-old Isiah Thomas returned to the NBA this week with the Cleveland Cavaliers and promptly scored 127 points with 37 rebounds and 14 blocked shots Tuesday night. In an aggressive display of dominance over […]

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