NBA Levels 25 Point Tariff Against Golden State Warriors
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Nation Outraged About Putts President Missed Thinking About Probe
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Patriots Continue Impressive Streak Of Beating Teams That Use Headsets To Call Plays
FOXBORO, MA – Adding on to an amazing home field record that dwarfs the advantages of other NFL franchises, the New England Patriots today chalked up yet another victory at Gillette Stadium over a team using headsets to call their plays into the quarterback. The Patriots, who’ve won an amazing 110 games with only […]
Bryson DeChambeau Wins Tournament, Declared Duke Of Burgundy
BUCKINGHAM PALACE – After a rousing third round victory at the Northern Trust Tournament in picturesque Paramus, New Jersey, the American professional golfer Bryson DeChambeau was declared Duke of Burgundy by her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II at a ceremony in Buckingham Palace this morning, endowing him with all the rights and privileges of […]
Nation Desperate For Voice Of Moral Authority Turns To NBA Franchise
UNITED STATES – Beset by increasing monthly streaming subscription prices, stolen personal data, school-to-prison pipelines, runaway health care costs, and the endemic gerrymandering of its electoral power, the people of the United States have been searching for a champion of principled values to help them make sense of the confusing world around them. And so […]
Olympians Trash Olympic Village In Epic Kegger, Lose Damage Deposit
PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA – Olympians celebrating the end of the 2018 Winter Games had a little bit of a ceremony hangover after their final night in Pyeongchang. Partying in a wild orgy of drinking, cavorting and general mayhem, athletes from around the globe left an Olympic village strewn with beer cups, cigarette butts, and […]
President Trump Demands Gold Medal For Being President
WASHINGTON DC – After watching several hours of curling from the Oval Office over the weekend, an irritated President Trump called his staff members into the White House Sunday afternoon and questioned them how anyone could win an Olympic gold medal for sliding a rock across some ice, when he won the entire presidency of […]
Eagles Fans Win Superbowl, Burn Independence Hall To The Ground
PHILADELPHIA, PA – Joyous Eagles fans filled the streets of Philadelphia tonight after their football team defeated the New England Patriots 41-33, and marked the historic celebration by reducing the building where the US Constitution was written to a pile of ashes. “This is the greatest day of my life!” cried Arthur Belling, as […]
Frustrated Curling Teammate Sends All Those Thingies With The Handles Down At Once
ST PAUL, MN – After becoming upset today during a training session at a facility in Saint Paul, MN, a curling teammate hoping to gain a spot in the Winter Olympics slid every last one of those thingies all the way down the ice in a big pile up at the other end. […]
Hall-Of-Famer Isiah Thomas Returns To NBA, Scores 127 Points
CLEVELAND, OH – Saying that he wanted to “show these kids how a full-ass grown man plays this game,” 57 year-old Isiah Thomas returned to the NBA this week with the Cleveland Cavaliers and promptly scored 127 points with 37 rebounds and 14 blocked shots Tuesday night. In an aggressive display of dominance over […]