WASHINGTON DC –
After watching several hours of curling from the Oval Office over the weekend, an irritated President Trump called his staff members into the White House Sunday afternoon and questioned them how anyone could win an Olympic gold medal for sliding a rock across some ice, when he won the entire presidency of the United States and did not even receive a bronze for it?
Becoming President Much Harder
Staff members assured the President that being elected President was much more impressive than winning an Olympic event, and each one agreed, as the President went around the room, saying that he was indeed deserving of an Olympic gold medal.
The President then instructed his staff to have the Olympic Committee send over a gold medal on Monday for winning the Presidency, and to have a 3-tier podium set up in the Rose Garden, so that Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton could be present when he receives his medal.
Staffers were also told to make sure the center podium was “at least three times as high as second place”, and that there was “a big spotlight” on him when the national anthem played.
Many Other Events Much Easier
In addition to curling, the President complained that many other Olympic events giving out gold medals were much easier than winning the Presidency:
- The biathlon (“they miss half the targets – how hard can that be!?”)
- Figure skating (“big deal, skating in circles, nobody even likes skating.”)
- Snowboarding (“not as hard as skiing”)
- Luge (“what is with those funny suits?”)
- Bobsledding (“even those guys from ‘Cool Runnings’ can do that”)
Ski jumpers were worthy of an Olympic medal, the President said, although he believed the event should not be part of the Olympics as it was mostly just an excuse for the athletes to show off.
Future Presidents To Receive Gold Medal
To correct what he perceived as a grave injustice, President Trump also told staffers to draw up an Executive Order ensuring that the winner of the next presidential election receives an Olympic gold medal at the inauguration.
The Presidential Gold Medal should be three times the size of any current Olympic gold medal, and be presented by the winner of the most recent Miss America pageant, who will place it around the President’s neck wearing a sparkling gown the same colors as the Olympic flag.
Your Trusted Source for Faux News