BIG SUR, CA –
A baby turtle that hatched this morning on a beach near Big Sur was amazed when it realized how far it had to travel to get to the ocean, but although the distance was almost more than its tiny eyes could see, it was thankful that at least it was not the Cleveland Browns.
Browns Really Have A Lot Of Work To Do
From the perspective of the turtle, the stretch of beach from its nest to the relative safety of the water seemed an almost insurmountable task.
Once hatched, turtles need to find their way to the ocean via the downward slope of the beach. However, the slope near the turtle’s nest had no incline at all, and the sand was rough and contained rocks. There were also dangerous predators lurking in the dunes such as ghost crabs, birds, and raccoons.
Still, the task ahead of the Cleveland Browns seemed much more daunting.
“Including the 0-9 start to the 2017 season, the Browns are 1-29 since 2015,” the turtle said. “They are the 5th worst defense in the conference and the 7th worst offense. They have the second lowest total for field goals, and third lowest for touchdowns. Honestly, I really don’t know how you even begin to tackle that problem.”
Not Sure How They Keep Going
“At least I have my brothers and sisters trying to make the same death-defying dash to the edge of the water. If a predator attacks, I might still survive based on the law of averages. But the Browns? They must line up against opposing teams week in and week out with no help in sight.”
“You wonder how they keep a positive attitude” said the amphibian.
Cause For Hope?
While their prospects are bleak, it is true that the Browns have been in a lot of close games, and many of their problems stem from turning the ball over too often. The team will also likely have a good draft position heading into the 2018 season based on their current record.
But the turtle still likes his chances. “Scientists say only 1 in a 1,000 turtles survive to adulthood. And it’s true I might die in the next few hours making this arduous and harrowing journey,” the baby turtle remarked, as he struggled to pull himself forward a few inches with his tiny flippers in the hot sun.
“But compared to the Cleveland Browns, I feel like I’ve got it made in the shade.”
Your Trusted Source for Faux News