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Sunday, July 14, 2024

MLB Playoffs Suspended As Nation’s Supply Of Spit Runs Dangerously Low

After determining the nation’s supply of saliva was being depleted at an alarming rate during the initial games of the 2019 Major League Baseball Playoffs, Commissioner Rob Manfred today announced the league would cease play until more accurate measurements could be made of the nation’s reserves.

“Obviously our athletes use a large amount of saliva during the course of the playoffs, due to the high level of performance demanded of them,” said the commissioner as he announced suspension of all games. “While there is still plenty of spit available, we decided to stop play after we were contacted by authorities out of an abundance of caution.”

A spokesperson for the Department of Health and Human Services, which monitors saliva levels in the US, said that while it’s not necessary for the average citizen to ration their spit at this time, they should practice sensible conservation measures such as avoiding over-spitting, and refraining from use during peak times like the World Series.

“This stoppage of play will allow us to confirm that spitting reserves are at safe levels for the nation as a whole,” said the DHHS spokesperson. “And as soon as we do that, we will notify Major League Baseball immediately, to they can get their players back in action spitting in the clubhouse, on the fields, in the dugout, and anywhere else there is a dry patch that isn’t already covered in spittle, slobber or drool.”

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