24.4 C
Sunday, July 14, 2024

Eagles Fans Win Superbowl, Burn Independence Hall To The Ground


Joyous Eagles fans filled the streets of Philadelphia Sunday night after their football team defeated the New England Patriots 41-33, and marked the historic celebration by reducing the building where the US Constitution was written to a pile of ashes.

“This is the greatest day of my life!” cried Arthur Belling, as he dodged the cinders falling from the 275-year-old roof of Independence Hall, the centerpiece of Independence National Historical Park. “The Eagles won the Superbowl! Can you believe it?!”


Underdog Mentality All Season

The story of the scrappy little guy overcoming adversity and defeating a favored opponent has been a driving force for the Eagles all year.

Despite the team’s 13-3 record during the regular season, the team did not feel like they received the respect they deserved. “We’ve been the underdogs. I think that’s the mentality of our football team,” said Eagles coach Doug Pederson. Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins added: “Everybody just started to label us underdogs since we got in the postseason. But to be honest, we felt like underdogs since week one.”

And as fans of the team filled the city streets to celebrate the team’s improbable victory, the joy of Philadelphia winning its first Superbowl quickly took on a life of its own.


Birthplace Of The Nation Was Ready Kindling

Having run out of batteries to throw at passing cars, many fans turned their attention to starting fires.

“There was a guy in an underdog mask running around with a torch, and he just threw it at one of those old buildings on Chestnut Street. And everyone just yelled ‘YEAH!!!’ as it caught the building on fire. It was awesome!” said self-described Eagles superfan Bennie Siemans.

Emergency vehicles were unable to reach the historic landmark due to the large crowds chanting “Eagles! Eagles!” and throwing rocks at police cars. In a short time, the entire structure was ablaze.

“I’ve been waiting for this day for like, forever,” said a passing Eagles fan with his shirt off and a large Eagle tattooed on his stomach. “It’s such a great feeling. I can’t even describe it.”


Fate Of Priceless Items Unknown

Although the Liberty Bell, which is housed in a separate building, appears to have escaped damage, many national treasures such as the desk on which the founding fathers signed the Constitution were feared lost in the fire.

“They say Philadelphia is known for its history,” said Ron Kompowski as he threw a can of beer at a passing bicyclist. “The Phillies winning the World Series in 1980, and then again in 2008. The Flyers winning the Stanley Cup back in the 1970s. But this is truly a day that people will remember forever.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they put up a statue of the team in the middle of town,” he remarked. “So people can come and visit it when they come to Philly. I really think they should do that to remember this day.”

“If nothing else, it would make a great tourist attraction.”

Your Trusted Source for Faux News

Great Mother's Day Gift Ideas

Is your mom an outdoorsy type? A book lover? A fashion fan? Show her you pay attention to her interests using these helpful gift suggestions tailored to her personality.