HOLLYWOOD, CA –
After 15 years of experimentation, the producers of the ABC hit TV show “The Bachelorette” made a change to the show’s format this week.
Having determined that 20 weeks of reality TV show competition was no better at finding a good match than plain dumb luck, it was decided the contestant in next season’s show will simply select a winner at random.
The new show, titled “The Bacheroulette,” will consist of one ten-minute episode during which a woman spins a wheel and waits for a ball to drop into the slot beside a man’s name who will be her new husband.
Absolutely The Same Result
“Yep, we’ve done all the math on this one, and these women have just as good a shot of getting a decent guy picking a name out of a goldfish bowl as they do undergoing 20 excruciating weeks of nonstop dating and talking,” said Bacheroulette show runner David Mithompson.
“In fact, we predict our rate of successful marriages will triple using our new model of completely random match-making.”
Turns Out All Husbands Are The Same
While conventional wisdom holds that traits like compatibility and mutual attractiveness are key ingredients to a successful marriage, the show’s staff found out that’s not really the case.
“The behavior of individual men during the dating process can vary dramatically,” said Mr. Mithompson, “but husbands, as a group, don’t really differ much at all.”
A woman may FEEL like she’s getting the cream of the crop after a lengthy courtship, but once a man marries, the producers discovered, he enters what’s called the ‘husband state’.
Child-Like Dependence
“Husband state is the process of the adult male’s adaptation to married life,” according to Dr. William Freargarten of the Roosevelt College of Psychology.
“After the marriage ceremony, the human male regresses to a child-like dependence on his partner,” said Dr. Freargarten. “No longer under the pressures of courtship, he gradually forgets all previous learning related to laundry, cooking, sewing, house-cleaning, and general hygiene.”
Tasks he would have performed with ease several months prior to marriage now become exceedingly difficult for the adult male. “Until at last, he reaches a state of complete dependence on another human being to do everything for him, without whose help he would not survive,” said Dr. Freargarten.
Show Still Expects To Turn A Profit
Given the situation, the producers opted to cut to the chase.
“Once we realized the implications of ‘husband state’ as it relates to our contestants, we just didn’t feel it was right to subject them to all that drama, when a spin of the wheel would work just as well.”
While the network will lose out on some ad revenue, the loss will be more than offset by dramatically reduced production costs. “It’s not cheap to fly an entire camera crew onto a glacier along with snowmobiles, a table and chairs, a chef, and a full five-course dinner including filet mignon and a bottle of chilled Veuve Clicquot,” Mr. Mithompson said.
“We figure we can crank out 10 or 15 seasons in an 8-hour shoot day easy,” he said. “The men on the show have the option of proposing on the spot if their name comes up, or if the wheel shows double 00, everybody gets to go home. It’s a lot of fun.”
Odds are 3 to 12 that ‘The Bacheroulette’ will air the first Wednesday of every month thru 2028.
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