WASHINGTON DC –
On the heels of successfully re-titling the “North American Free Trade Agreement” as the “United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement,” President Trump followed up by announcing a new name for the country’s popular national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
The anthem’s new title, announced in a White House Rose Garden ceremony today, will be “The United States Of America Is First And Best Over All”, or for short, the “United States Of America Song”.
What Is A Spangle?
“‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ was the worst name of a song in the history of songs,” the president stated. “It was a terrible title. I’ve said for years that it was terrible, and now, we have a new name for the national anthem which is way, way better.”
“‘The United States of America Song’ will be much bigger and people are going to love it. It’s going to be tremendous.”
Francis Scott Key Didn’t Know What He Was Doing
While the author of the lyrics, Francis Scott Key, famously penned the opening lines after the ferocious shelling of Fort McHenry which lasted for 25 hours, Mr. Trump was not impressed.
“Nobody wants their national song named after a banner,” the president continued. “Nothing against the guy who wrote it, but clearly he was no Jimmy Buffet.”
“Also, it’s a very confusing song,” the president continued in his remarks. “If you’re going to write a national anthem, it should be one that people can sing along with. Some of these words aren’t even English.”
The president assured the crowd: “With its new title, ‘The United States Of America Song’ can now finally take it’s place among the great songs of the ages, just like the United States-Mexico-Canada treaty will now be the greatest treaty ever negotiated.”
The Great Canyon
“I would like to also announce that my administration has a great list of other names we will be rolling out in the coming months:”
‘The Great Canyon,’ ‘Sunny Stone National Park’, ‘The Atlanis Ocean’ – these are just a few of the many new names that Americans are going to be very pleased with, and which will make our country even greater than it already is.”
The newly named national anthem will debut at football games around the country this weekend – any players caught kneeling will be be arrested, and immediately sent to Fort Lemonworth prison.
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