WASHINGTON DC –
While critics have questioned the president’s grasp of the seriousness of the Coronavirus pandemic, President Trump today put to rest any doubt as he told reporters the virus was every bit as dangerous as when he headed up the invasion of Normandy Beach during World War II as part of the Allied Central Command.
Many Examples Of Bravery
Speaking from experience, the president assured Americans they will triumph over Coronavirus, just like when he ran thru a hail of machine gun fire up a mountain and threw a grenade into a bunker, destroying a battalion of the German army and saving tens of thousands of American lives.
“Those Germans were pretty tough,” the president remembered. “They were tough customers. But I did some things they they weren’t too happy with, and let’s just say they weren’t going to be doing that kind of thing any more once I was done, OK?”
Successfully Jumped Over Snake River Canyon
In addition to D-Day, President Trump told reporters he would have “totally made it over Snake River Canyon” – a reference Robert “Evel” Knievel’s failed 1974 jump.
“You have to just keep your foot on the gas,” instructed the president. “Too many people, and I’m not saying it happened to Evel, but too many take their foot off the gas when you need to have it on. I would have just kept my foot on the gas. That’s how you need to do it.”
The Hindenburg Disaster
The president went on to described other events from history, and how he would have fared:
- The Hindenburg Disaster: “I would have jumped from the blimp just as it caught on fire. You can’t wait in a deal like that. Sure you might get a broken leg, but that will heal. It’s better than waiting and getting burned and THEN falling. Hillary totally would have waited”.
- The Sinking of the Titanic: “The mistake people made on the Titanic was to get in the water. I would have used one of the tables in the dining room and floated on that. You don’t want to be in the water because that’s where the sharks are. I would have been very comfortable and probably would have saved a lot of lives”.
- The Bubonic Plague: “The plague would have been no problem for me. You know why? Kids. Ask the next person you meet who is sick if they have kids? Nine times out of ten they do. I explained it to Baron and he totally gets it. ‘You have to walk 10 steps behind at all times’ – it’s just not worth it. “
- The Permian Extinction: “As soon as I saw that rock coming at the planet, I would have dug a tunnel and stayed down there for a few weeks until it was safe to come out. The dinosaurs should have burrowed under ground when the meteor hit. But they were too dumb to realize it. That’s why I’m here and they aren’t.”
Many More Examples
Although the press conference was cut short when the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci, arrived for a briefing, the president said he would have many more examples of his bravery tomorrow for the press.
“You know a lot of people don’t know how dangerous it is to be president, just like this virus,” he said. “But I’ve learned you need to stand up to your enemy when it threatens you – you need to get in its face and tell them who’s in charge. And then, if they won’t listen, put up your hand, point at them and say, ‘secret service, this man has made terrorist threats toward me.”
“That usually does the trick.”
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