UNITED STATES –
Tired of being the only month on the calendar without a federally designated holiday, the month of August took a stand this week and told the US government it would not return in 2018, unless it was given the recognition of an important celebration date.
Too Many Already
August had attempted to generate enthusiasm for a new holiday in 2016 with a PR campaign encouraging people to think differently about the month. However, the campaign’s tagline “Holiday In August A Must,” generated little interest. A lobbying effort by the firm Whitewater & Blackson to gain traction with members of congress similarly had little effect.
“There are too many federal holidays now as it stands,” said an aide to one of the congressmen, who asked not to be named. “We need more productivity out of our federal workforce, not another day off. And besides, August is when employees use their vacation time. If they don’t use it then, when will they use it?”
Boosting The Economy
In a recently released statement to reporters, August made the case for adding a holiday at the end of the summer: “It is a crime that, from the Fourth of July to Labor Day, the people of the United States have nothing to celebrate. A new national holiday in August would give Americans a much needed distraction in the summer heat – not to mention provide a boost to the economy from sales events surrounding the day off.”
Ideas for the new holiday put forward by August included “August Day”, “August Fest”, “August Jubilee” and “The Holiday in August”.
From July Right Into Fall
To press its case, August has threatened to withdraw from the 2018 calendar, which has worried some Americans.
“I take the family up to the lake for the last two weeks of August before school starts,” said Josiah Roper of Skeekaw, Louisiana. “This is just going to screw up the whole year. If we need to add another holiday to keep August, then I say let’s do it.”
Sue Morriston from Little Falls, Minnesota was very concerned about losing a month of warm temperatures. “It’s cold up here for so many months, we’re really just finally warmed up in July. We depend on August to give us a break from the harsh winter.”
Agricultural experts also worried about the detrimental effects of a shorter growing season. “It will be absolute chaos,” said Walter Merman of the USDA. “Farmers will be scrambling to get crops out of the field when the frosts come a month early. We anticipate massive failures of corn, soybean and wheat which will make imports sky rocket and drive prices to high levels. We could even have a famine here in the US”.
“We definitely need August on the calendar” said Mr. Merman.
Whether or not August will follow thru on its promise to withdraw from next year remains to be seen. However, sources say the month has not had a vacation in 2,000 years and has always wanted to see the Greek islands, so the prospects do not look good.
Efforts to reach members of congress to ask if they will take the matter up in the upcoming session were unsuccessful, since they were all on vacation.
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