BARLOW, DELAWARE –
In what you fear might be a case of a person taking the Christmas spirit perhaps a bit too far, your friend today turned in his notice at work, so that he could stay home the rest of December and hand-letter over a thousand Christmas cards in time for the holiday.
A Few Warning Signs
The friend, who met you at a scrap-booking convention in 2009, has always enjoyed working with his hands. And you look forward to receiving his impressive cards every year, each more intricate than the last.
However, after receiving last year’s card which was created with scraps of colored paper the size of sand grains glued together to form a Santa, you became concerned that your friend was getting in a little over his head.
So when he said he had been researching the use of a pestle and mortar to grind lampblack for ink, you suggested he consider the store-bought version, since no one would know the difference. But your friend said he enjoyed the challenge of doing it himself.
Just Getting Started
And then when he bought several sheep to use their hides for parchment, and slaughtered them in his suburban driveway filling the gutter with bright red blood, you suggested he consider asking a butcher to give him some skins. But your friend said that you should relax, and that slaughtering animals was a part of nature.
And then when he began soaking their skins in lime and sodium sulfide in large metal barrels, filling the neighborhood with a nasty stench, and bought several turkeys and plucked them so he could use their feathers for quills, you thought he was getting close to crossing the line. But your friend said to just back off and get the hell off his property or he was going to have you thrown in jail for trespassing.
Ancient Art Of Filigree
And then when you realized he was staying up all night to study the art of filigree from the Song Dynasty of ancient China practicing by the light of a lantern filled with whale blubber, raising bees to make beeswax for sealing envelopes, and smelting a signet ring in his basement to imprint his initials using a blast furnace he had stolen from an abandoned factory in the dead of night, killing a security guard in the process, it really wasn’t a surprise when you found out that he had quit his job. In fact, it was almost kind of expected.
And although you are extremely concerned about your friend’s mental stability, and know you should contact someone in his family immediately to get him some help – you have to admit, this next card would be a pretty cool one.
Your Trusted Source for Faux News