WASHINGTON, DC –
In a move designed to provide some solace to an embattled administration, President Donald Trump this week asked for, and received, a pledge of loyalty from President Donald Trump.
The pledge, which White House aides say was freely given, stated that the President agrees to fully support the President regardless of what happens – for example, if the special investigation reveals that the President’s campaign colluded with Russia.
Meeting Over Dinner
The request came during a meeting over dinner when the President was discussing the investigation with himself.
According to a server who was carving a ham in the West Wing dining room: “The President had just finished his peas and set down his spork, when he said to the President: ‘I need to know I can count on you’. After a pause, the President nodded and said ‘absolutely 100 percent’.
The President then challenged the President: ‘no matter what?’ To which the President responded: ‘You are the greatest President in the history of the United States, and I full support your presidency. I will do anything you ask, even if it involves massaging Hillary Clinton’s shoulders.’ The President then recoiled at this idea and said he would never ask himself to do that.”
“The President then asked, ‘would you put that in writing if I asked you?’ At which point the President agreed, walked over to a desk, and wrote out a formal pledge, which he then signed.”
After finishing the meal, the President invited the President on a tour of the White House, during which they saw the Lincoln bedroom and several bathrooms. “The President thanked the President for the tour at its conclusion, and said he looked forward to continuing to make America even greater than it already is, which was a total disaster before he was elected, but has been amazing ever since.”
Pledge Of Loyalty
The pledge, which the President displayed later at a news conference, contained glowing reviews for the administration. It read, in part:
I, Donald Trump, President of the United States, do solemnly swear to support Donald Trump, President of the United States 100%, no matter what.
The pledge went on to state:
And I will defend the President against all fake news, including allegations that the Russians told me repeatedly before I was elected that they were going to release Hillary Clinton’s emails to help me win, which never could have happened since I was too busy with my campaign to answer my phone at that time.
The pledge further asserted that the President’s inaugural crowd was the largest in the history of the country, that he is in better health than anyone else on the Eastern Seaboard, and that his hands are much larger than a normal man’s hands twice his size.
Further Assertions
Other assertions in the wide-ranging pledge include:
- The Trump Casino in Atlantic City was the victim of MOSSAD-trained seagulls that attacked customers and drove them away
- Graduates of the Trump University include Albert Einstein, Bill Belichik, and the kid from Good Will Hunting.
- Trump Airlines was a profitable business, but folded due to unspecified pressures from government regulators under the direction of Macaulay Culkin
Although technically the pledge of loyalty is non-binding under the law, the President believes that the President will uphold his promises, despite the fact that he knows him to be a no good scoundrel who cheats on his taxes.
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