In an article published Tuesday in the medical journal “Diagonosticus”, several leading researchers concluded that the ‘enemy within’ recently identified by Former President Trump on the campaign trail was actually three cheeseburgers and a basket of fries he had eaten recently for lunch.
Describing the caloric intake and nutritional value of the meal as “empirically catastrophic”, researchers concluded that the breakdown of the elements in the former president system was without question the most dangerous enemy he was facing.
“If there was a Richter scale for the magnitude of biological destruction this lunch presents, it would register as an M8,” said Tomasu Brigadier, lead researcher on the project. “I cannot stress how much more dangerous this meal is than any other threats the former president may perceive.”
Clad in a camo-print shirt that appeared to be fighting its own war against button failure, President Trump continued to decry a conspiracy he believes is hidden right under his nose. “These enemies are everywhere!” he declared flanked by a half-eaten side of potato salad and a large order of onion rings. “They’re in our government, they’re in our schools, and they’re probably in this restaurant right now!”
Experts say President Trump’s battle could serve as a cautionary tale. “Sometimes the enemy within isn’t a shadowy organization,” explained Dr. Linda Crunch, a nutritionist at the University of Lankashire. “Sometimes, it’s just a lack of self control. We recommend moderation.”
President Trump, however, remained undeterred. “Information is the enemy’s way of tricking us,” he exclaimed, as he shouted a double bacon cheeseburger from Uber Eats at a nearby assistant. Then added with resolve, “our fight has only just begun”.
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