RED SQUARE –
In response to a steady stream of accusations by the west of jailing journalists, murdering political opponents, bombing civilians in Syria, and working to overthrow the Ukrainian government, President Vladimir Putin of Russia has said in response he will double down on hunting tigers and finally drive the scourge out of Russia forever.
State-run media organizations in the former Soviet Union all reported on Tuesday that the President has vowed to “improve the lives of ordinary Russian citizens by moving to hunt tigers in all corners of the country, wherever they may be. The Russian people are tired of western-backed tigers abusing our economy. The will of the people in this matter is clear, and the tigers must be hunted down and removed.”
News organizations under the control of Mr. Putin’s government flooded the airwaves with images of tigers including Bengal, Sumatran, and Amur tigers. According to press releases, “The Bali tiger”, a species that was hunted to extinction in the 1940’s, “is one of the most western-influenced tigers, and will be a special hunting priority of the president.”
President Putin, who is famous in Russia for his tiger-hunting prowess, will take to the streets in Moscow in January with his rifle to begin the hunt. “First the President will clear Red Square of all tigers, wherever they may be, then he will move into the neighborhoods and begin door-to-door searches for tigers. Residents are urged to remain indoors during this time and to allow security officials to enter peacefully to look for and remove any tigers.” In order to aid the security forces during their search for tigers, a sunset to sunrise curfew will be put in place. Citizens caught out after dark will be shot.
In other news, President-Elect Donald Trump is said to be considering a similar offensive against the American Bison.
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