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Sunday, April 21, 2024

N.C. GOP Accused Of Gerrymandering House Racquetball Tourney


In news today out of North Carolina, prosecutors announced several State House GOP leaders have been accused of gerrymandering the famous “NC House Challenge” annual racquetball tournament.

Sources say the tournament, held annually at the Raleigh Athletic Sauna and Baths since 1904, concluded last month with 7 “Co-Champions” being announced at the House Challenge dinner. 

“Normally, there is just the one winner” said Amanda Penelope, a House Page. “So when they read off the names of the 7 Co-Champions, who are all Republicans, the crowd was kind of taken aback. I think the committee was hoping everyone would be focused on their crème brûlées during dessert and wouldn’t think too hard about it.”


Realized Something Was Fishy

When Democrats saw that only GOP members had been victorious, they began to examine the tournament bracket hanging in a dark corner of the reception hall, and found some suspicious irregularities.

“When we looked carefully at the bracket, we realized that some Democrats were just playing each other over and over again and never moving on. While others had confusing games with 2 different matches scheduled on the same court,” said Democrat racquetball favorite David Cottleston. “And also, no one remembered playing, or even seeing a game involving, any of the 7 Co-Champions.”


Investigation Begins

A photo of the bracket was forwarded onto the North Carolina Department of Justice, which announced an investigation. “There are indications that several GOP players were able to advance thru the entire tournament without actually having to play a game” said Maurice Grenveuille, DOJ Spokesperson.

The GOP defended their reputation, saying the Democrats were sore losers. “This is another ploy by the Democrats to deflect attention from the fact that they have poor backhands and lack stamina” read the release. “Our Co-Champions are proud of their success, and salute the brave men and women of our armed forces”.


Set Of Steak Knives

The Co-Champions at the dinner each received a handsome plaque commemorating their victories, and set of steak knives emblazoned with the state motto “Esse quam videri”.

GOP Representative Ralph Hall, who is 91, said he was anxious to get home and try his set of champion steak knives out. However, he needed a page to carry them to his car as he gets short of breath when he stands, and is unable to open his trunk due to a lack of feeling in his extremities.


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