UNITED STATES OF AMERICA –
Across the country jubilant Americans, who have been trapped on sofas and couches for years watching TV and surfing the internet, leapt to their feet today as President Trump cleared the way for them to become office cleaners, farm hands, stockyard workers, and roofers.
“I’m afraid of heights and have never held a hammer, but I am ready to get up there and start pounding like crazy,” said John Teezler of Paranet, New Jersey.
With the establishment of thousands of new border control agents, a network of detention facilities for unauthorized immigrants, and a wall along the entire southern border with Mexico, President Trump has ensured that millions of dangerous and dirty jobs will become immediately available for American citizens.
“My doctor says I am not allowed to lift over 15 pounds due to my back condition, but screw that. I am going down to the stockyards tomorrow and with any luck will be hitting animals with a sledge hammer by noon!” said Franklin Roosevelt of Poughkeepsie, Maryland. “I can’t WAIT to stand knee deep in blood and think about what I am doing to these poor creatures.”
Although produce farms have been plagued by chronic labor shortages for decades, due to the lack of people willing to stand in the hot sun all day for 12 dollars an hour, President Trump’s new initiatives will pave the way for thousands of Americans to do just that. “I have gluten allergies and have to take 3 antihistamines to make it thru the day, but I am thrilled to have the opportunity to stand in a pollen-infested field swatting bugs and working my fingers over tomato vines until they bleed. Thank you, President Trump!”
“My friend Gus told me that just down the road I could get a job tomorrow climbing a ladder to pick cherries from a tree all day,” said Butch Marlinson of Olympia, Washington. “I said what are they paying? He said 11.50 an hour – and I said, well, sign me up, George Washington!”
Decline In Sofa Sales
Despite the initial wave of excitement over the flood of excrutiating, thankless jobs that must be filled immediately, the move did cause some concern among sofa manufacturers. “We are expecting a downturn as people who heretofore needed a new sofa every couple of years will be too tired to care” said Matt Brentin, President of Sofa Emporium in Santa Clarita, California. “But on the plus side, we expect an increase in the need for hospital beds as people who are not used to these types of jobs injure themselves. So, we will be retooling some of our factory capacity to meet this new growth industry.”
Mel Borking, who recently started cleaning office towers in his native Kansas City, was struggling a little to stay up all night in his new job. “This is back-breaking, monotonous work, and I don’t know why anyone would do it unless you put a gun to their head” he said. “But I couldn’t be happier that President Trump gave me this opportunity. I look forward to staying up all night for the next 20 years, cleaning these offices one by one by one for 45 dollars cash. And the best part about it is, the company doesn’t have to offer me health insurance or a savings plan for retirement, and can fire me at any time, no questions asked.”
“It’s a shame it took so long for me to get this job” said Mr. Borking. “But I guess better late than never, right? Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go jump out that window.”
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