GOP Reassures Americans: Fear Of Poverty Will Keep You Healthy

GOP Reassures Americans: Fear Of Poverty Will Keep You Healthy

 
WASHINGTON DC –

GOP lawmakers released some positive news Tuesday as they sought to reassure the 24 million Americans who stand to lose their health insurance under the new Republican plan to repeal Obamacare: rest assured, all will be well.

“It’s understandable that Americans losing their insurance under our plan will be concerned about what will happen to them. This is completely natural, and no one needs to feel ashamed for having these concerns,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan.

“But the fact of the matter is, fear of the astronomical bills that would result from a catastrophic illness or injury, which would instantly bankrupt 99% of the population and leave them completely destitute, will keep the average middle class American healthy for years to come.”
 

Wipe Out Savings

“Medical costs for any number of illnesses or injuries can run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars or more,” Speaker Ryan continued. “They can easily wipe out the savings and equity that a middle class person has carefully and painstakingly saved over decades in a matter of just a few weeks.”

“In fact, when you consider that hospitals and doctors in this country are free to charge whatever they want for medical care given to an uninsured person, with absolutely no financial controls whatsoever; and also consider that a person who has a life-threatening condition like a heart attack, stroke, cancer, or any number of illnesses that could end their life, will agree to pay any price, no matter the consequences. Well, it doesn’t take a genius to understand that in a free market economy, that bill is going to take every last dollar that person has ever saved, and then some.”
 

Shame Of Not Leaving Inheritance

“But luckily, fear of this soul-crushing debt,” the Speaker continued, “coupled with the potential shame of not having an inheritance to leave your children, will act as a protective barrier to keep you from getting sick in the first place.”

“If I was not a member of the House of Representatives, and did not have the fantastic health care plan that we in Congress voted to give ourselves, and I was staring down the barrel of a million dollar bill to save my life – well, you can bet your bottom dollar I would avoid being sick altogether.”

“And so it will be for average Americans,” said the Speaker. “Fear induces the body to generate a protective coating that prevents a person from falling ill. Much like an oyster creates a pearl, the average American will generate a tough, hard shell around their immune system to ward off trips to the hospital or doctor.”

“In fact,” the Speaker said, “due to our dismantling of the Affordable Care Act, I would be surprised if anyone ever got sick in this country again.”

Pausing to consider this, Speaker Ryan added, “I know I feel a lot better already.”

 

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