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Tuesday, May 21, 2024

President Trump Announces Historic Getting Out Of Bed

 
WASHINGTON, DC –

The White House media team was in overdrive yesterday as President Trump called an impromptu news conference to announce another historic accomplishment for the administration: his getting out of bed.

The President gathered his cabinet and generals together in the Rose Garden within one hour of rising, to be sure that the details were fresh in his mind.

The bed, a Serta queen size mattress resting on an 18th century wooden frame with hand-carved bed posts in the shape of two eagles, proved a difficult challenge. “It was very comfortable, that mattress. And when I say very comfortable, I mean it was the best, most comfortable mattress you have ever been in. Very few men would have had the desire to get out of that bed. I’m probably in the top 2% of humans who could do it. Maybe 1%.”

 

1000 Springs

“And there were so many springs in that mattress. At least 1000. And every one of them was finely tuned. They were so comfortable, it took amazing strength just to lift your arm,” said the President lifting his arm. “That’s how perfect those springs were. Like a Ferrari engine. And yet, still, I was able to get up.”

The President then reviewed his accomplishment in detail:

“The first thing I did was rise to a seated position. And let me tell you, folks, that was no mean feat. There are a lot of people out there who never would have made it even half that far. They would have just given up and fallen back on the pillow.”

“After getting to a seated position, I knew I had to swing my left leg over the edge of the bed. People don’t know this, but the left leg is the most difficult leg to swing when you are in bed. Much harder than the right. The right leg is the easiest.”

“But before I could swing,” the President continued, “I had to get the covers off. And these covers were like pythons pinning me down. Like a 100 boa constrictors all trying to keep me from leaving that bed. They must have weighed 200 pounds. But I didn’t care. I grabbed the covers and threw them off my legs.”

 

Super Human Strength

“After I swung my left leg over the comforter and all the way to the edge, I grabbed my right leg with one hand, and pulled it with – there’s no other way to describe it, folks – super human strength – until my right leg made it over.”

“The minute that leg hit the floor, I knew I was going to do it. I was going to get out of that bed. And so I did.”

After describing his historic achievement, President Trump paused to let the moment sink in. He then turned and walked slowly toward Pennsylvania Avenue until he reached the end of the garden, where an aide let him know he was walking the wrong way, and directed him back to the White House.

 

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