The city fathers of Sevsatopol are touting a new building on the Crimean skyline this week as the recently completed Trumpski Tower gets ready to open its doors to the general public.
The building, a real estate venture of Trumpskibank RAO Investment Group, boasts 58 floors of state-of-the-art Russian condominiums with breathtaking views of the Black Sea. Many of the apartments have been appointed with sought-after features in Crimea, such as air conditioning, kitchen cabinets, and laundry tubs.
Said Boris Yubenov, Marketing Director for Trumpski Tower, “we have perfect apartment for young workers in oil industry or oil-related profession who are tired of living in parent’s basement. Trumpski Tower is best tower to live in for successful Russians and military officers who come to Sebastapol. And also for Crimean people who are technically allowed to live there, too.”
Among the many amenities at Trumpski Tower: a 24-hour doorman armed with gold-plated AK-47 who greets residents wearing white gloves; hidden surveillance cameras in all public and private areas; concierge service with direct dial to the Kremlin; on-call doctor with best-in-class antidotes for popular KGB poisons; and a bitcoin ATM in the lobby.
Tailor At Your Disposal
“Everything you need is readily available at Trumpski Tower,” the building’s press release promises. “Have an important military dinner to attend but your uniform has problematic insignias? Do not worry, comrade! Our on-site tailor has a variety of army badges to replace your country’s identifying marks.”
“Is your mistress threatening to call your wife in Moscow if she does not receive that gold bracelet? No problem. Our concierge staff can find you the perfect black market trinket to keep your lover happy for now.”
Also according to the press release: “special attention was paid by the architect to the impressive five-story penthouse that occupies the top floors of the tower. Owned by famous US businessman, the penthouse is available for occupancy on select days by special arrangement for those traveling to Sebastopol on business, pleasure, or both!”
Although not listed on the website, a casino is usually in operation on the fifteenth floor offering baccarat, black jack, and also Russian roulette for tenants whose payments are late.
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Editor’s note: Trumpskibank RAO Investment Group, Trumpski Bank Enterprises Incorporated, and Trumpski Vacation and Resorts Limited, are wholly-owned subsidiaries of Make America The Best, LLC