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Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Phone’s Failure To Charge Sends Daughter On Rage-Filled 7-State Crime Spree


Reportedly driven by a fit of uncontrollable fury after 20 minutes of her phone refusing to charge, authorities say your daughter threw her 2005 Ford Taurus into reverse, screeched out of her high school parking lot, and went on a 7-state crime spree causing over 250,000 in damage to property.


Never Seen Anyone That Angry Before

Witnesses described your daughter as growing more and more agitated as she sat waiting for the “charging thunderbolt” icon to appear on the screen. Exasperated groans and intermittent cursing over a period of 20 minutes culminated in what one friend described as a moment of “total WTF rage,” which was immediately followed by the car’s dramatic exit from the scene.

“I don’t think she was even breathing during that last five minutes,” said classmate Darion Dobbels. “She was, like, purple, she was so mad.”


High Speed Pursuit

Disconnected from all social media, with no way of knowing what was happening to celebrities around the globe, your daughter began driving at 103 mph for the state border, crossing over it at 3:42pm.

“The suspect was immediately pursued by 7 state patrol cars,” said County Sheriff Pete Brownsend. “Upon crossing the border, she exited the interstate and proceeded to drive thru several industrial areas, damaging a variety of chain link fences, barriers, traffic cones, and security gates.”

As your daughter approached a crowded county fair grounds, sheriff’s deputies decided to stand down at which point they lost track of her car.


‘Smash And Grabs’ Throughout Tri-State Area

What followed was a series of reports of an enraged teenager smashing into convenience stores at various locations and running in to grab charging cables, before returning to her car and fleeing. At each location the suspect managed to speed off before law enforcement could respond.

“That girl was crazy!” said convenience store clerk Ibrahim Rafjani, still rattled by the experience. “She was saying terrible things and told me that the charging cord she was stealing had better work or she would be back. I was too afraid to reach for the pistol next to the cash register.”


More Common Each Year

Anger at the failure of a phone’s battery to charge, or “charging rage” as it’s known in law enforcement circles, has become more common with the proliferation of mobile phones in the hands of teenagers. “We used to see this once or twice a year,” said Sheriff Brownsend. “Now it seems like every week, there’s another deranged 14 or 15-year-old who completely breaks with reality over the fact that their phone is not working.”


Calmed Down Now

With no credit card to operate a gas pump, your daughter finally ran out of fuel after 350 miles of driving. Authorities confronted her with guns drawn, and she was taken into custody unharmed, yelling that the police had “better frickin’ have a charger at the station”.

When reached by you on her mobile phone, which finally charged after she used a different cord, your now calmed-down daughter responded to your repeated questions about her behavior by stating “it’s not that big a deal,” and finally, “Dad, you just don’t get it.”


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