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Sunday, July 14, 2024

President Reveals Miss America Escape Pod In Event Of Global Pandemic


In a dramatic presentation at the Air Force Station at Cape Canaveral today, President Trump revealed he is overseeing the construction of a special spacecraft that will serve as an escape pod for the most recent contestants of the Miss America Pageant in the event of the elimination of life on planet earth.

The escape pod, which would be used in an emergency such as a flu pandemic, could preserve the lives of all 50 Miss America contestants, plus the previous year’s winner.


Must Ensure The Lineage Continues

Said the President: “This vital escape pod, which is by far the best escape pod ever built by NASA, will ensure that the critical mission of crowning the next winner of the Miss America Pageant takes place regardless of what befalls our county. Americans can rest assured that no matter what happens, these beautiful women will survive to carry on the human race.”

“And by making sure that the previous year’s winner is also on board, we will be able to officially transfer the duty of being Miss America, with all the rights and privileges, and it will be a perfect transmission of that authority.”


Special Jump Seats

The President went on to say he is also overseeing special jump seats being installed for Kate Hudson and Penelope Cruz.

“Penelope, and of course the amazing Kate Hudson, are truly two of the most important women who need to survive a disease pandemic. I am personally involved in the choice of their seats, and placement in the cabin near the cockpit. They will be absolutely indispensable in keeping the girls orderly during the evacuation from the planet, because, as anyone can tell you, those girls can be a handful when they get excited.”


Swedish Bikini Team

NASA scientists said they have also been asked to include accommodations for the Swedish Bikini Team by the President. “Athletics are very important, as we all know, for staying in shape in space. The Swedish Bikini Team, with their excellent ball handling skills, would be a big asset on the escape pod.”

The Swedish Bikini Team

Although the Bikini Team members are technically not Americans, the President said they would be given special space passports to be allowed on the ship.


Human Race Will Look Better Than Ever Before

While the President does not wish for a global pandemic, he said that one comfort is that the amazingly beautiful women in the pageant will give birth to a super race of humans, more beautiful and talented than we are now. “We will have all the colors, there, too: brown, yellow, red – they will all be represented. And such talent. Truly the human race will be better off, if it were to happen.”

“And as President, I, of course, will need to be on the shuttle to safeguard these women against any threats in outer space. NASA has assured me that I will be able to pilot the shuttle myself, and so I will be the only man on board.”

When asked if Melania would be on the escape pod as well, the President said he will have to wait and see how many seats are left when the time comes, but that he would not prevent her from coming if in fact there was no one else who wanted to get on board first from the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

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