YOUR TOWN, USA –
When local baby Riley Johnson was born three months ago, at first the world seemed to be an orderly run place, with doctors, nurses and parents efficiently working together to take care of what needed to be done.
But as he has grown a little older, Riley’s begun to realize the world has a considerable number of problems, and that in fact, it’s actually a really messed up clusterfuck that is pretty close to going completely FUBAR.
Going Pear-Shaped In A Hurry
“I’m not sure who is in charge of this place, but I have to say if I can tell things are a mess and I’m still pooping in my diaper, that is a big red flag,” said Riley.
While mainly focused on baby tasks, such as learning to use his hands and alerting his family when he is hungry, Riley has become aware of a constant stream of agitated and concerned voices coming from the TV in the next room. And hearing his parents repeatedly exclaim things like “can you believe this?” and “what the hell is happening in this world?” have convinced him that circumstances on Earth are deteriorating at a rapid pace.
Other Animals Get A Big Head Start
Traditionally, human babies depend heavily on adults to provide for their needs after they are born. Their 9 month gestation period is much shorter than that of other mammals such as giraffes, rhinos, and elephants, who spend up to 22 months in the womb and can walk within a few hours of their birth.
Humans by contrast, are almost completely helpless.
“Basically, I’m totally screwed,” he said. “The people running this show can barely fend for themselves, so, how much time are they going to be able to devote to tiny defenseless babies like myself? Not much I would say.”
Since Riley does not have the option of returning to the womb, he has set his sights on learning to provide for himself sooner than later. “Luckily, my parents are above average as far as I can tell. They are keeping me fed and mostly clothed, in between staring at their phones and complaining about taxes.”
“But I know this won’t last forever, so I’m trying to pick up what I can from adult conversations: stuff like how to weld, and which plants are OK to eat in the local forests.” Riley has also been working at night in his crib to further develop his survival skills, including self-administered visual acuity tests, arm-strengthening exercises, and general calisthenics. “Sometimes it wakes my parents up, but I really have no other option at this point.”
Although his future is uncertain at best, Riley is trying to keep hope alive. “I figure if I can just learn how to use these things on the ends of my arms by spring, I’ll have a fighting chance to survive,” he said.
“At least as long as there are no wolves in the surrounding area.”
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