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Thursday, June 13, 2024

President Announces Plan To Send Tiny Astronauts To The Moon


Saying he has long been searching for a way to further the cause of space exploration while keeping his promise to cut the federal budget in half, President Trump announced today that he had found a solution for NASA. The answer: tiny astronauts.


Tiny Astronauts Do Not Take Up Much Room

“The brightest minds have been working on this question for decades,” the President said. “And I have come up with a solution in just my first year in office.”

The President realized that tiny astronauts, or “mininauts” as he called them, would weigh much less than regular astronauts, so more of them can be packed onto the ship and require just half the fuel.

“Not only do the mininauts weigh less, but they eat less, too,” he said. “So we do not have to send so much food. We can ship an army of mininauts to the moon, who will be able to do twice as many experiments and move twice as fast as regular astronauts, because their tiny arms and legs are so light.”


Should Have Asked Me Sooner

The President chided NASA for wasting a lot taxpayer’s money trying to find a solution when the answer was so simple.

“This is why it’s so valuable to have smart business people like myself running the government. All the scientists, they don’t know what they are doing. Honestly, they could have saved themselves a lot of trouble if they had just come to me sooner. I would have told them what to do right away.”


Other Advantages

Mininauts will have other advantages over regular sized astronauts, according to the White House:

  • Their tiny hands will allow them to do smaller experiments, like measuring the weight of a cheeto on the moon
  • Mininauts will all be able to fit in one car for the ticker tape parade
  • The American people will like them more, since they will be roughly the size of a Minion



No Date To The Prom

When asked if the scientists at NASA appreciated the President’s suggestion, the President replied: “Probably not. But who cares? None of them could get dates to the prom anyway. You should have seen the date I took. Believe me when I tell you, she was unbelievable. Rockets out to here.”

“My thrusters were really working back then, too,” he added.

NASA’s miniature astronaut program will begin accepting applications in the spring, just as soon as congress passes a tiny bill that the President will sign with a little pen tucked inside his smallish hand.
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