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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Guy In Congress Who “Knows Excel” Confesses He Has No Idea What He’s Doing


Steve Jurvonovitch, an IT professional on whom congressional leaders have depended for the past several months to do the complex calculations needed for the nation’s tax overhaul bill, confessed Friday night to members of the House Finance Committee that he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing.

“I don’t know how it got to this point really,” said Mr. Jurvonovitch. “I started out helping Nancy Pelosi keep track of the yearly bowling league dues, then Mark Meadows asked me to add up the House Christmas Party expenses last year, and it just kind of snowballed from there.”


Did His Own Taxes Last Year

Mr. Jurvonovitch, who has not had any formal training in accounting, had mentioned to some people around Capitol Hill that he did his own taxes, which impressed them. “It was just a 1040EZ, since I was still living at my parent’s house in Arlington. They thought that I must be some kind of tax code wiz or something which was totally not the case. But I needed to pick up a new client, so when they asked me to add up a list of numbers, I was game.”


Might Be Some Errors In The Spreadsheet

“It’s hard to say if the totals in the tax bill are accurate at this point,” said Mr. Jurvonovich. “I’m having trouble making the columns wide enough to display the bigger numbers, like the homeland security budget. So when I try to add the columns up by hand, it’s way off.”

“Also, I have a moderate case of dyslexia. So sometimes the numbers are kind of flipping around on me. But I try to stay on top of that by drinking a lot of Mountain Dew.”

Congressional leaders realized something was amiss when Mr. Jurvonovich submitted a total federal budget for 2018 of thirteen hundred dollars. “Mr. Ryan has been pretty cool about things. But I think they are going to get someone else in to check over my work which is fine by me. I’ve never been really good at math anyway.”


Forging Ahead

Although news that there may be some errors in the tax bill came as a surprise to members of Congress, leaders said they were forging ahead with the final vote on the floor.

Said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell: “Speaker Ryan’s son has a friend in his 5th grade class who is great with spreadsheets. So, we’ll have him come in and look over Steve’s work and make sure that when we do a new tax overhaul next year to fix the problems from this year’s bill, the numbers will add up better.”

“But as far as this one goes, it’s a done deal,” said the Senate Majority Leader. “There’s no way I’m going back to sitting in that room again for a month with all those knuckleheads.”

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