UNITED STATES –
Across the country this week, referees, umpires, line judges and other sporting officials on the take expressed their extreme gratitude for the Supreme Court’s landmark decision to legalize sports gambling.
“Jackpot!”, said Olaf Jorgenson, who asked that we use a fictitious name out of fear of being fired from his job officiating college football games. “Christmas is coming early this year, and baby needs a new pair of gold plated shoes!”
In bars around the nation, unscrupulous sports officials rejoiced at the ruling. “Usually I get asked to fix maybe 1 or 2 games a year,” said umpire Ned Wurlitzer, who also asked that we use a different name. “But there’s gonna be a whole lot more fish in the sea now thanks to this ruling.”
“And I’m not going to have to do it for peanuts any more. As they say, the price of tea in China just went up. Thank you, Justice Alito!”
Real Moneyball
While the Supreme Court did not make bribing sports officials legal, it did give states the right to legalize sports betting, which will result in millions of people having a financial interest in the outcome of games who did not have one before.
“Let’s see,” said a hockey referee in a state that is planning to allow sports gambling, “10,000 people are placing a bet on a game that I am refereeing. And I can hand out penalties to anyone on the ice and no one can question me? Ladies and Gentlemen, call the Coast Guard because my ship has come in!”
No Longer Dependent On Mafia
Gone are the days when sports betting took place in the shadows, as everyday Americans are now free to put money down on their local teams.
“In the past, it used to bother me that the games I was fixing were always benefiting the mob. But now, I can be a lot more choosy about who I fix games for,” said a well-known soccer official. “My doctor. The neighbor down the block. The head of the local PTA. If they’ve got the cash, I can help them out.”
While local crime syndicates did not comment specifically on the Supreme Court ruling, they released a statement saying that they were proud to be doing business in such a great country, and they were looking forward to the many great federal judicial appointments that the current administration will be making in the coming years.
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