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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Republicans Pretty Sure Everyone Will Forget All About This Stuff By Monday


Citing general distractedness and the excitement of football among other factors, Republicans expressed confidence today that all the crazy stuff that’s been happening this week will most likely blow over and be forgotten about before Monday rolls around.


Like Water Off A Duck’s Back

“A relaxing weekend watching football always refreshes my spirits,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “A lot of times, things that are bugging me on Friday really don’t seem all that bad on Monday after watching a few games.”

“Like when a valet drives my car too fast as he’s pulling away after I’ve handed him my keys.”

“Sure, I might try and have him fired by yelling at a manager as soon as I walk inside the restaurant,” he said. “But if he’s still on the job when I come back Monday, well, three times out of seven I’ll just let it go.”


Let Bygones Be Bygones

Leader of the House Freedom Caucus Mark Meadows is pretty sure no one will care about anything that’s happened after some time to recharge.

“First of all, 48 hours is a lot longer than most people think,” said the Tea Party member and instigator of the 2013 federal government shutdown.

“A person might be all worked up about having their voting rights taken away on a Thursday, but give them a couple days off to unwind, and most likely they won’t even remember they used to vote to begin with.”


Old Mrs. Johnson

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy also felt a couple days off will settle things down.

“Our 3rd Grade Teacher would get so mad toward the end of a school week, she’d throw erasers at our heads,” he said. “But by Monday morning, she’d forgotten what our names even were.”

“Of course, she was getting pretty senile back then,” he added. “But still.”


Looking Forward To Some R&R

Despite the gerrymandering of elections, refusal to consider gun legislation after mass shootings, unending war, rollback of environmental protections, ballooning deficits, tax cuts for the rich, separation of small children from their parents at the border, and refusal to consider the previous president’s appointment to the Supreme Court for an entire year while rushing thru their own nominee right before an election might put people off, Republicans were convinced it’ll all blow over soon.

“The American people have more important things to worry about than what their government does,” said Senator Orin Hatch.

“Or at least, that’s what we’re counting on.”

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