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Tuesday, May 21, 2024

Trump Delivers Historic Schittysberg Address


Although frequently maligned for not knowing the significance of American history, or the proper decorum for a sitting president, Donald Trump today delivered an impassioned speech to commemorate the anniversary of President Lincoln’s “Gettysberg Address” in the town of Schittysberg, Kentucky, only a half mile from where Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell grew up.

The speech, a mere 36,478 words long, ranged from the incomprehensible to the truly bizarre as listeners braved a driving rain to hear the president recount the list of celebrities he has seen on TV, the names he has given to each of his toes, and a long-winded story about a boy who smelled bad in his seventh grade class.


A Speech For The Ages

Beginning with the phrase “I scored seven years ago, and let me tell you folks, she was really hot,” President Trump’s speech at Schittysberg took place at the dedication of a topless casino opening near the edge of town.

After taking credit for the strong economy which gave birth to the construction project, the president marveled at the sacrifice of so many Native Americans who gave their lives so that casinos could be built on reservation land.

“So many Indians died during the Indian-American war. Many, many Indians,” he said. “And it’s our job to make sure that they did not die in vain by gathering in this hallowed place and spending our money. This casino represents their dreams, people. Beautiful women, pull tabs, and smoking permitted indoors. It was an Indian dream, but still a really good one.”

Although aides tasked with preserving the speech were unable to find a written copy, a video of it was obtained from Fox News and immediately sent to the Library of Congress for inclusion in its collection of Lincoln Logs.

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