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Thursday, June 13, 2024

NRA Clarifies Mission, Changes Name To National Russian Association



In the wake of revelations concerning millions of dollars in contributions received from Russian oligarchs over a period of many years, the National Rifle Association this week announced an official name change to better clarify its goals, and will be known going forward in the US as the National Russian Association.

“Yeah, it was time to make the switch,” said spokesperson Reginald Dowliter, a public relations executive who tracks the powerful gun rights group. “This has been a long time in coming, and given the objectives of the NRA, it seemed the right moment to rebrand their efforts on behalf of their principal donors.”


Basically Working For The Kremlin Full Time

As connections came to light between the storied defender of American’s right to bear arms, and Russian millionaires such as Alexander Torshin, Dmitry Rogozin,  as well as lower level infiltrators like Maria Butina who courted favor with important NRA donors, the organization decided to better define its role.

 “Let’s be honest, we were just doing the gun thing all these years so that people would pay attention,” said a high level NRA committee member and Kremlin supporter who asked not to be named for fear of being deported. “Our real goal has been to convert the American people into Russians, and make vodka a staple of the American diet.”


Guns A Great Way To Overthrow A Government

Although the goal of the organization has had mixed results, it’s hoped that the name change and rebranding will energize Americans to more fully adopt Russia as the real source of their rights.”When you get right down to it, the second amendment is really just another way of saying that people have a right to arm themselves and take down the US government,” said ex-Soviet General Vlarimir Bokstov, who owns a gun shop in downtown Northhaven, Pennsylvania. “And what better way to do that than to buy an AK-47 and swear allegiance to the former Soviet Union?”

The Lure Of Pizza

While many Americans were nonplussed by the name change, some questioned whether fighting for the red army was really what they had in mind.

“I don’t have a problem with forcibly removing my current elected officials by wielding assault-style weaponry,” said Nate Bollsworthy of Parkland, Wyoming. “But installing a puppet government run by Vladimir Putin doesn’t sound like a big improvement.”

“If I’m going to go to the trouble of committing treason, I’m hoping to at least get a country like Italy in power,” he said.  “I love pizza.”

“If we can have free pizza – well, that’s a barricade I’m willing to defend.”


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