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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Runner In Forest Relieved Blair Witch Project Starting To Look Dated

Local runner Gloria Bernhausen was out on her evening jog this Thursday when something hanging in the trees reminded her just how glad she was that the film Blair Witch Project was starting to show its age alongside more recent horror films.

“That film really freaked me out,” she said after spying a movement up ahead that she couldn’t quite make out. “I cried at night I was so scared. It was bad. But when I watched a scene last week on Youtube, a lot of the fake documentary tricks seemed kind of obvious to me now.”

Thought I Passed That Tree Ten Minutes Ago

The 1999 film about three filmmakers who hike into the Black Hills of Maryland to make a documentary about a local legend was popular with teens and featured several forest clearings similar to the ones Gloria was running thru.

“Looking back on it, the flashlight in the face was really just a gimmick to obscure the background,” said Gloria as she looked over her shoulder and started picking up her pace. “A horror director like James Wan would never try that now. It’s kind of embarrassing how scared I was at the time.”

“Huh,” she added, listening to a coyote howling in the distance. “I don’t remember hearing that before on this trail.”

Is It Getting Colder?

“Anyway that final scene when Heather runs to the basement and finds Mike staring at the wall just like Kyle Brody did before the children were killed –

“Holy shit! Is that a pentagram made out of sticks!? Right over there!” Ms. Bernhausen said motioning with her arm. “Oh my God! It is! It totally fucking is! Oh my God! Oh my God!”

As of press time, Ms. Bernhausen was undecided whether she would drop Blair Witch from her list of the top 20 scariest movies of all time, but planned to make a decision just as soon as she reached home after leaving the Greenville County Municipal Nature Preserve at a dead run screaming for her mom.

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