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Sunday, July 14, 2024

Stock Market Soars On News Americans Will Now Work For Food


In a surprising turn of events, the stock market on Tuesday experienced a surge following the announcement that a growing number of Americans are now willing to work for food.

While some investors were caught off guard, many traders on Wall Street celebrated the news which signaled significant reduction in labor costs, boosting profit margins. “This seems like a correction that dates back to the 1200’s when English landowners began paying workers in money,” said Thomas Hornmaler, who manages a private hedge fund.

“The idea that workers need to be paid in portable instruments of value is an antiquated idea,” he continued while placing an order for a set of Honma golf clubs. “Being paid in food is a much more straightforward transaction, and one which will give business owners the necessary capital to re-invest in their companies.”

While unions stressed that workers have many other basic needs to meet such as housing and health care, Neil Barkneto, Vice-President of the Menlop Group, disagreed. “Food and water are really the only essentials for our team members – and we already provide water free of charge in all our facilities,” he said. “The rest are matters of personal choice and frankly is not the responsibilities of an employer.”

It was unclear how the new capital would be spent as of press time, but prices on ocean front property in the Hamptons was up 300%.


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