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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Amazon Says Union Vote Shows Workers Freely Chose Job Over Sicilian Necktie


Saying they were not surprised workers “knew what was good for them,” Amazon managers congratulated employees at a warehouse outside the bustling town of Bessesmer, Alabama, for “not buying into a shakedown” which was clearly a “shylock business” meant to steal their money, according to unknown individuals.

The workers, who rejected a proposal to unionize 1,798 to 738, “avoided the cement overcoat” that would have been “a very unfortunate circumstance” had they voted in favor of collective bargaining, said a company representative who said he would remain nameless “on account of some rat finks” in the district attorney’s office.

Not Something You Do

“This thing of ours, stocking shelves, is a sacred thing,” said a Dock Supervisor Vito Moretti who gently encouraged his workers to vote against the proposal by puncturing their tires with a switchblade. “You don’t go against the family of Amazon associates,” he stated emphatically. “It’s just not something you do, know what I mean?”

Although the votes were carefully tallied in a Lincoln Continental Mark III out back of Club Gina’s private restaurant entrance, some workers questioned whether the results were accurate.

“From talking to my friends, a lot of them voted to organize,” said Marlon Stiggs who works the night shift loading thousands of rolls of toilet paper into large cardboard boxes every night without being able to visit the bathroom himself. “It seems like the vote should have been closer, but when I asked my supervisor he said something about stoolies needing to pipe down or risk getting their wings clipped.”

“What does that even mean?” said the 24-year old college graduate. “Is that some kind of Boomer catchphrase?”

Mums The Word

Making forklift drivers an “offer they can’t refuse of free pizza Friday and supplemental pet insurance”, Amazon upped the stakes as the vote approached.

“These guys don’t know how good they got it,” said a man in a black Escalade parked out front of the employee entrance on the day of the vote. “This friend of mine who shall remain nameless would have killed to have the life these factory guys are living.”

“Healthy break room snacks and in-office haircuts ain’t good enough – are you kiddin’ me!?,” he cried, inserting an expletive.

While personally disappointed in the outcome at press time, Fullfillment Manager Ned Epstein said he was optimistic about the company’s future, but needed to refrain from further comment due to his being under Omertà.

Although the struggle between the giant corporation and labor organizers will likely continue in the years to come, sources said a union vote scheduled for a distribution center in nearby Hunstville, Alabama, was postponed indefinitely due to a very unfortunate incident involving a Seasonal Warehouse Team Member who tragically shot himself in the head 14 times before jumping off a local bridge.

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