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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Polar Bears Being Wiped Out As Part of Intelligent Design, Insists Local Kansas School Board


In response to increased attention being paid in classrooms to the plight of polar bears in a shrinking habitat, the School Board of Brownsville Township recently advised teachers to provide not only scientific reasons for the animals’ situation, but to also spend time presenting the theory that polar bears are being wiped off the face of the earth as part of intelligent design.

“Of course, we want our children to have all the information available on any given subject, so that they can make informed decisions themselves about what to believe” said Mindy Horwarth in announcing the Board’s advisement at a PTA meeting. “While the burning of fossil fuels may be contributing to a warmer atmosphere, causing a loss of ice on the earth that is unprecedented in recorded history, it is equally as possible that the ice is disappearing because of intelligent design.”

Barry Parsons, age 10, who recently received the recommended dual instruction in a science class at Brownsville Elementary was sad when he heard that God designed the earth so that polar bears would all die. “I didn’t like that part of the class” Barry said. “Carefully designing a world that has a bunch of polar bears and then loses all its ice so that the polar bears can’t survive doesn’t sound very intelligent to me.”

Classmate Brenda Stimpler, also 10 years old, was in tears after class. “It’s not fair” she said. “Why does intelligent design want to kill all the polar bears?”

Said 9 year old Marguerite Olson “Isn’t there something we can do to save them?”

Ms. Horwarth who also attended the class as an observer comforted the children. “Intelligent design is an important concept that we all need to learn. While it’s not fun to hear that the all-powerful creator of your universe planned eons ago that large, white furry bears who lived peacefully for millennia on the ice would all die due to an unexplainable and uncontrollable warming of the atmosphere, it’s also important to remember children, that intelligent design has your best interests at heart.”

“For instance,” she said “we should all be thankful to intelligent design that at least we weren’t born in Africa.”


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