25.4 C
Thursday, June 13, 2024

Man Asks Heart Surgeon If Billionaire Could Operate On Him Instead


A local heart surgeon preparing to do complicated surgery in Tuscon this week was taken aback by a request from one of his patients on the morning of the procedure.

Dr. Tom Dwightson of Mergatroid Presbyterian in Tuscon, Arizona, was getting ready to do a quadruple bypass on his patient Lamonte Hopkins, when the wife of Mr. Hopkins requested that the doctor meet with them that morning.

“I stopped by to see the Hopkins and answer any questions they might have,” said Dr. Dwightson, “and they thanked me for everything I’ve done for them up to that point. But they said that since this was a life or death surgery, they would prefer that a billionaire do the surgery instead of me, if one were available.”


Having Cold Feet

“It’s not unheard of for a patient to request another doctor in a stressful situation like a quadruple bypass, even on the morning of the operation,” said Dr. Dwightson. “So I asked them if they meant a billionaire heart surgeon, and they said no. Just someone, and it could be a man or a woman of any age, who was a billionaire.”

According to Mr. Hopkins’ wife, Lenore, “we had done some googling on the internet about the doctor and he sounded very good but we were just a little uncomfortable with the money he seemed to be making,” she said. “We need the best possible person operating on Lamonte, and just weren’t seeing the kinds of things on his Facebook profile we needed to see.”


Doctor Did Not Have A Ferrari

Among the items Mrs. Hopkins was looking for on the doctor’s social media account were: a yacht, pictures of golfing with celebrities, a Ferrari or similar vehicle, and a personal jet.

A graduate of Johns Hopkins Medical School at the top of his class, Dr. Dwightson donates his limited free time to Medecin Sans Frontieres, doing life saving surgery for people in countries whose health care system has collapsed. Said Mrs. Hopkins “yes, we saw he had done some charity work, but frankly the french sounding name didn’t inspire confidence either. If it were me, I would do some charity work in the US next time.”

As it turned out, the Hopkins were in luck as the administrator of their health plan had contacted the hospital and said that they would not be covering the surgery. This meant that the Hopkins were going to pay 100% of the cost and they were free to choose any surgeon they wanted. As of press time, the Hopkins had reached out to billionaire Martin Cromweld, scion of the Cromweld household cleaner fortune.


Billionaire Might Become Available

“I really hope Lamonte can hold on a few days longer,” said Mrs. Hopkins. “We heard Martin Cromweld owns some stock in a nutritional supplement company, which is health-related. His secretary promised he would get back to us next week, just as soon as he returned from his sailing trip to Antigua.”

“If Lamonte passes before then, well, we’ll just have to live with that. But at least we will have tried to give him the best possible chance to make it.”


Your Trusted Source for Faux News

Great Mother's Day Gift Ideas

Is your mom an outdoorsy type? A book lover? A fashion fan? Show her you pay attention to her interests using these helpful gift suggestions tailored to her personality.