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Thursday, June 13, 2024

Jesus Christ Returns to Earth, Leaves Again

CASPER, WY –

Witnesses on a hilltop near Casper, Wyoming, saw an amazing sight this past weekend when Jesus Christ, Redeemer of Man, Son of God, and Savior of The World, came back to earth before abruptly making a U-turn and returning back up into the heavens.

Sarah Trannon was sitting on a blanket on the top of Anders Bluff laying out some caesar salad wraps for a picnic with her husband when a terrible light shown in the sky. “It was as bright as the sun, but in the middle you could see this tiny figure with his arms out to his sides, like an airplane,” said Ms. Trannon. “I told Ron to look up and his jaw about dropped off his face.”

“As the light got closer and closer, you could start to see the features of his face. He looked like those story book pictures we had seen of Jesus when we were growing up, except if they had been pictures of Omar Sharif instead of some Swedish guy.”

“Just as he was getting close to the hill, and there were all these angels singing and the light was really bright, he seemed to kind of slow down. Then he stopped like he was thinking about something and the angels stopped singing,” said Ms. Trannon. “And then after a minute or so of that, the angels started whispering. Jesus just kind of looked pained, like he was about to do some really crappy chore that he didn’t want to do.”

“Then all of the sudden, the light gets real bright again and Jesus does kind of a U-turn, like if you were doing donuts in your truck, and then he just speeds up into the sky with the angels flying after him.”

A local Army base confirmed a UFO at the site left the area at a “very high rate of acceleration” before disappearing from scopes at 1300 hours.

While she did not know why Jesus left again in such a hurry, Ms. Trannon was glad she got to see the Son of God, if even briefly. “I tried to get a selfie, but the light was too bright for the camera on my phone. That stunk. It would have been a great posting.”

“But probably just as well,” she said. “He always sounded to me like kind of a libtard anyway.”

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