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Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Wolf At The Door Breaks In, Takes Man’s PlayStation


A wolf at the door of a local man’s house who had been hanging around for several months finally broke in yesterday and stole the man’s PlayStation.

Todd Mercers was making some microwave french fries in the kitchen when he suddenly heard something in the living room. “I went out to see what it was, and just saw the tail of this wolf running out the door with an HDMI cable trailing behind him. I wasn’t really sure what was going on, then I looked over and saw that my PlayStation was gone and that’s when it hit me.”


Just Too Fast

He gave chase to the animal without success. “I ran to the corner but he was already 3 blocks away at that point. I had no chance. He was long gone.”

Mr. Mercers said the wolf had been at the door for several months but that he had not yet come into the house. “I’ve been able to make most of my payments with a few odd jobs and food stamps. And I got some help from a church organization during a really bad stretch. But unfortunately, it looks like things are getting a little more out of hand.”

After filing a police report online, he called to make sure the precinct received it, but did not hold out much hope of getting the PlayStation back.

“They thanked me for filing, and said they would get back to me if anything turns up.”


Prospects Not Looking Good

At the local precinct, Sergeant John Kapulski said the chances of its return were slim. “They are a commodity and easy to sell. If the victim does not have a serial number for the machine, and there are no identifying marks, there really isn’t much we can do.”

While he hopes the wolf will not be back for more, Mr. Mercer knows that is a distinct possibility. “It sounds like my health care will be gone soon, and my local bank is hitting me with some new fees that I hadn’t seen before. I heard they are cutting food stamps back, too. So, it stands to reason that the wolf will be back. I just hope he doesn’t take the house. That would really be a drag.”

Several messages were left for the wolf seeking comment, but none were returned. However, a spokesperson for the wolf said indications are he will be back several times in Q2 and Q3, as the environment looks favorable for obtaining other possessions in the coming year.

The spokesperson also advised Mr. Mercers to obtain legal representation.


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