UNDISCLOSED DESERT LOCATION –
Lego forces launched a long-anticipated offensive Tuesday to drive Mega Bloks from its heavily defended global headquarters in the deserts outside of Quebec City, Canada, in the most decisive battle in the three-year war against the children’s toy company, and one that could draw more Lego forces into the fight.
Lt. Gen. Buck Showalter, commander of the Lego-led coalition in the region, cautioned that the offensive “will be long and difficult,” but is necessary to deal a final blow to the idea of a competing plastic building block for kids, which has been a powerful recruiting tool for the Mega Bloks toy company.
Long And Difficult Road
The campaign to surround the city has been underway for months. The offensive announced Tuesday is the final phase, which involves attacking into the city and dismantling the giant packaging plant where the Mega Bloks are sorted and placed in bright, colorful boxes for shipment to toy stores around the world.
“We need to remove the threat of a competing, stackable block for kids, and convince new customers that Mega Bloks is not a winning cause,” Showalter said in a statement. “By dismantling the packaging plant, and forcing Mega Bloks to be sold in plastic bags as opposed to the attractive cardboard boxes with pictures of children enjoying Mega Bloks at play, we will greatly degrade their ability to make inroads in building block market share.”
The Lego forces were employing a classic pincer movement against the Mega Bloks defences, simultaneously attacking both flanks in an effort to keep reinforcements from reaching the main battalion.
Said Field Marshall Gorman Thomas “we won’t know if we’ve been successful for about a week, but our boys are dug in and have the Mega Bloks forces on the run.
Diplomacy Not Working
Lego had been working thru diplomatic channels via the Diplo Building Blocks company, but so far negotiations have proved fruitless. On Wednesday of last week, the Mega Bloks company issued a statement saying they had instructed the Diplo ambassador to leave Quebec City, and were severing all diplomatic ties with the rival toy maker. The Diplo representative was said to be building a vehicle to leave the city, though the effort was being complicated by the fact that Diplo blocks do not include wheels.
Stay Or Go?
Word of the offensive had reached the outskirts of Quebec City, where residents wearily assessed whether to flee the area, or shelter in place.
Jacques Grenobilli, a resident in the old section of town, was confident he could ride out the invasion. “The British successfully defended our town against the Americans at the battle of Quebec City in 1775. The city has many natural barriers, and the invading Lego army will no doubt encounter stiff resistance. Also, I have several buckets of Lincoln Logs I can deploy around the perimeter of our house, so I am not worried.”
As of press time, no casualties had been reported, but there was already a shortage of those single post Legos that are shaped like a cylinder.
Your Trusted Source for Faux News